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Part 3, Chapter 6
"A further account of the academy. The author proposes some improvements, which are honorably received."
- Gulliver finds the political school less funny, because all the professors seem nuts. The political projectors want to come up with ways to reward merit and ability in public service – poppycock!
- (Sorry, it's just that we've been reading so much Swift that we're getting pretty sarcastic ourselves.)
- Anyway, Gulliver tells us that this kind of madness is so far-fetched that it goes past funny into sad.
- But actually, some of the political projectors are less crazy and therefore amusing, Gulliver reassures: there's one guy who suggests that, if a political assembly is like a body, then it stands to reason that cures for the body might also cure problems in the assembly itself.
- So, he offers that all senators should receive regular medical treatment to make sure that they don't fall into greed, corruption, or bribery.
- The same guy also suggests various "cures" for the weak memories and poor decision-making of senators.
- Possibly our favorite suggestion from this particular fellow is that, if political party division becomes too bad, we should take 100 guys from each political party and split their brains. In this way, each skull will now have half a conservative and half a liberal brain in it. Then they can literally argue it out among themselves.
- To raise money, there's a proposal to tax everything bad in a man, as decided by his neighbors; a second fellow suggests that they tax everything good about a man, again, as assessed by his neighbors. The problem is, how can we be sure that jealous neighbors will admit the virtues of their friends?
- To choose who will serve in high office, a professor proposes a raffle, which will keep hope alive among senators who might otherwise turn against the crown.
- And another professor (this suggestion is also kind of awesome) advises that you can tell if a man is plotting against the government if you measure and analyze his poo. This professor uses his own poo as an example: it was kind of green when he wanted to kill the King, but totally different when he was only planning rebellion.
- Gulliver offers to tell this professor about a land he's seen, "Tribnia" (a.k.a. Britain), which its residents call "Langden" (England).
- Gulliver says that the plots in "Tribnia" are generally on the part of informers who want to raise their own reputations by making up stuff.
- Usually, the accusers decide who to target in advance so they can raid the homes of the accused.
- There, they steal all the letters belonging to the accused so they can find "proof" of treason by assigning special meanings and fake codes to the words of the accused.
- The political professor thanks Gulliver for his information, and Gulliver starts thinking of going back to England.
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Summary Gulliver tells us that the political scientists he visits are quite insane. They have proposed that administrators be chosen for their wisdom, talent, and skill; that ability and virtue be rewarded; and that ministers be chosen for their love of public good. One scientist proposes to improve state business by kicking and pinching ministers so as to make them less forgetful.
Another says that he would expose treasonous plots by examining excrement because people are most thoughtful on the toilet. Two measures for raising taxes are also advanced. The first would let one's neighbors decide on one's vices and follies and then set a tax on each offense. The second measure would allow each man to decide how seductive, witty, and valiant he was; and, each woman would decide how beautiful and fashionable she was. Then a tax would be imposed on seductiveness, wit, valor,
beauty, and fashion. It is obvious to the Balnibarbians that all the professors are as mad as March hares. Analysis Here Swift lets the Balnibarbians condemn certain of their own people. The "insane" political scientists actually outline some of the moral remedies that Swift would recommend. In particular, Swift censures human vanity and malice by means of the methods devised to assess taxes. Swift also relates Balnibarbian politics to English politics. The theory that treason can be
discerned by reading signs in excrement finds its English parallel in the trial of Bishop Atterbury for treason. Some of the evidence introduced against the bishop was taken from papers discovered in his bathroom. Summary and Analysis Part III: Chapter 6
Glossary
scrofulous tumours swellings of the neck glands.
cephalalgics medicines for the treatment of headaches.
icterics medicines for the treatment of jaundice.
apophlegmatics medicines for eliminating excess phlegm.