Who come first in a marriage?

The relationship between parent and child is important, but it’s not as fundamental as the relationship between a husband and a wife (Genesis 2:24). Too often, though, parents feel a pull to put the children first in the family, and in the process, they neglect their spouse.

It’s natural for parents to feel protective of their children. But parents who have gone through a life-shattering divorce feel especially protective. They don’t want their children to hurt anymore, or to fear losing them again. For that reason, putting a new spouse first can feel like they are betraying their children.

Children need to know you love them and that you will always be there for them. Just as important, they need the security of a stable home. A healthy marriage gives children that security, because when a husband and a wife are looking out for each other’s interests, they will also look out for the best interests of the children.

Putting your spouse first never means that you neglect or abuse your children. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you allow a new spouse to neglect or abuse the children. Even something like showing favoritism, which is natural to do, should be talked about and addressed in a blended family. Ignoring unfair treatment is wrong (Romans 12:9). Parents are always responsible to provide loving, secure, healthy, and safe homes for their children to grow (Proverbs 14:26).

It’s important for husbands and wives to consider one another’s feelings and opinions. They need to stick together and head in the same direction as a couple and as parents. They should pursue each other and show deep care and respect for one another. A caring and loving spouse knows that what affects them, affects their spouse and the children. Happy marriages are loving, respectful, and considerate (Ephesians 5:21-33).

A good marriage not only gives children the security of a stable home, but it also gives them a positive example of what God intended a marriage to be. They will learn about love, confession, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility, and honesty. Parents who love one another deeply help their children develop realistic expectations about what it takes to build a strong marriage. Children need that kind of example to give them hope for their own futures.

by Latoya Irving

In marriage there is a certain order in the household. God is first, then spouse, then kids. A lot of people have a problem with that order. Some want to put their spouse before God, some want the kids before the spouse, some want God only when He is needed. Let’s take a look at how the home should be.

1. GOD-The reason God has to come first is because He has to be first in our lives. The Word says there shall be no other gods before Him. Gods can mean your job, your kids, and your spouse, maybe even yourself. God is where we get direction for our lives.

2. SPOUSE- I know some of you want to put your kids before your spouse, but putting your spouse first means putting yourself first also since you both are now one. This does not mean you don’t love or care for your kids; this is just the order. This may be harder for parents who brought children into the marriage. If you trust your spouse with your heart, trust them with your children and don’t allow your kids to manipulate the situation. Husbands, you are supposed to love your wife like Christ loves the Church. Wives, you are to respect your husbands. If you feel this will be difficult, pray, pray, pray. God will show you what to do.

3. CHILDREN- Now comes the kids. You are to raise them the way they are supposed to go and when they are old, they won’t forget. Your role as parents is to teach them rules, how to love and worship God, how to learn and grow into adults. It’s very important for kids to see the parents united, whether natural or stepparents. Don’t let your kids guilt trip you by saying you love your spouse more than them. One day your child will be an adult and will marry also, and then hopefully they will know how the order of the house is supposed to be.

Keep in mind that direction comes from God. How will your kids know which way to go if you don’t know? How can you teach them if you first don’t learn? I’m sure you remember while on a flight, the flight attendants tell you in case of an emergency, you are to give yourself oxygen first, then your child. You have to breathe first so your can help your child breathe. This is not selfish, but necessary. The order of the house is not selfish, it is necessary. This is God’s plan; He knows what is best. Once your house is in order, you will see a smoother flow in the home. You will run into some turbulence every now and then, but as long as there is order, God can work the situation.

LaToya Irving is a wife, mother and former Air Force brat.