Dear Aunt Vadge,
I’m really scared because my vagina is bleeding a lot because my boyfriend came over and he fingered me (I’m a virgin) and he was really rough. It didn’t hurt, it felt good, and he looked at his hand – it was super bloody, and it’s still bleeding. My hymen is still there, so I don’t know what to make of it.
Yours,
Frightened
Hi there Frightened,
The hymen has a blood supply, and it can get a tear or cut in it, which can bleed sometimes quite profusely. This isn’t necessarily that abnormal, including the part where at least some of your hymen still appears to be present, hence your confusion regarding the source of the bleeding.
Any profuse bleeding needs to be checked out by a doctor, because if it is your hymen, you want to make sure this doesn’t happen twice – it is very distressing – and steps can be taken to address a problem hymen. Sometimes they are really thick and fibrous, and therefore there are more blood vessels inside. It could be useful to ask the doctor to ensure your hymen is ‘out of the way’ (which can be done with a small incision to open it up), or you can stretch it yourself. See instructions for hymen stretching at the bottom of the hymen article.
Another option is that you have a vaginal septum, which is an anatomical abnormality whereby (in the case of a longitudinal vaginal septum) there is a length of flesh that splits your vaginal longways in half, so you get two long chambers instead of just one. Many women don’t discover these abnormalities until it’s time to have sex, and you get the pain and bleeding that is above and beyond what anyone was expecting.
The other form of septum is the horizontal septum, which creates a barrier across the vaginal chamber, which can cause similar problems by being prodded at by fingers, toys, or penises.
There may be other reasons why you have started to bleed that need to be considered, including it being unexpected menstrual bleeding, though I would assume you would know if this was the case based on the timing of your last period, and how your period actually feels compared to how this feels. You could also have other issues inside that are not commonly known or expected, which makes a quick visit to your local vagina expert more pertinent.
What to do next
The bleeding should stop itself as any wound would, so keep your vulva clean (warm water only), don’t touch your vagina unnecessarily, and be really careful – you don’t want to aggravate a delicate wound, which could mean avoiding exercise or riding a bike – you can be the judge of that, however. You won’t die if it starts bleeding again!
It should heal up by itself without issue no matter what the cause, but only if you don’t try to put anything inside your vagina again. It seems like perhaps you would benefit from a trip to your local sexual health clinic where they can examine you (free) and tell you if there is anything that you need to do differently.
You need to know if this problem is a serious one that may require surgery to correct, or simply a case of an overzealous bleeding hymen. It’s good to know that stuff, because then you don’t have to worry about it and you can take steps – one way or the other – to fix it. You don’t want to be frightened of your own vagina bleeding like a stuck pig every time your boyfriend fingers you, and the only way to cure that problem is to get examined.
Read the articles on fingering, oral sex and sex 101 with your boyfriend (they are long, so settle in!) so you both understand what to do and what not to do. It’s important to have those conversations, because your anatomy is invisible to you, and what’s inside and how it responds to touch is a long process of learning, and trial and error. It’s best to start off with as few errors (and bleeding episodes) as possible!
The simple fact is that fingering shouldn’t ever result in bleeding or pain.
Don’t be scared to get examined when things go wrong – having a relationship with a doctor or sexual health nurse that you trust is invaluable, because then when something feels weird or wrong, you have someone to go to. Obviously cost can be a factor, so find a free (or cheap) sexual health clinic near you, and go make friends with them. Soon enough you will need pap smears, STI checks and birth control of some kind.
Write back anytime! Read our article on healing vaginal and vulvar cuts and tears if you get stuck.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
Hi again Aunt Vadge,
Thank you so much. Actually one more thing. I know you say i should go to a doctor but I really can’t. My mom doesnt know about this, and if she ever found out I was fooling around, I wouldn’t make it to the doctors. But I think it might be a cut or tear, so I will follow the directions of what to do next. Thank you so much you, literally saved my life.
Yours,
Frightened
______
Hi again Frightened,
No problem! You should do a bit of self-discovery with your own fingers by yourself to see what you can feel, and what exactly the problem is, or at least where the problem is specifically. It will give you hints – so if the problem is not on your hymen or near your hymen, then it’s probably not the hymen.
I’d recommend getting some lube or vegetable oil and really checking yourself out when you have some privacy, using a mirror, camera phone, etc. to see as much as you can without getting a crick in your neck.
If it feels like there’s something going on not where you’d expect (like on the sides of your vaginal walls), and you can feel blockages inside your vagina, it could be useful to try to arrange an examination (even secretly) to rule out anatomical abnormalities – they happen randomly and are a fusion issue in the womb, and don’t indicate further issues (so don’t worry about that!). You do want to know about any abnormalities, because they can really put a damper on your fooling around, but importantly, tampon use too.
If it starts bleeding again or feels otherwise strange or painful, please feel free to write back – I understand completely how impossible it can be to talk to your parents about your vagina, particularly admitting you have had boys’ dirty fiddling fingers in there! Parents hate that.
It will heal, one way or the other.
What a welcome to your vagina!
Write anytime.
Warmest regards,
Aunt Vadge
Fingering should never cause bleeding or pain. The golden vagina rule is, if something hurts, change what you’re doing or how you’re doing it because sex – including fingering – is supposed to feel good.
If you have never put anything into your vagina before (tampons, fingers, hairbrush handles, carrots) then it is possible that your hymen tore or stretched during this first time. If this is the case, it shouldn’t happen again. Read about the hymen here.
If you don’t think you have a hymen anymore, fingering is more than likely being done poorly.
Dealing with the damage caused by fingering
Any damage done by fingering by an inexperienced or poorly-instructed fingerer will heal – it might be painful, uncomfortable, swollen and may bleed, which is normal when you consider you’ve just had your vagina thrashed by stabby fingers. Almost certainly not your own.
If the bleeding continues for more than 48 hours, becomes more profuse or the pain is excruciating, you may have another problem – these can include undiscovered anatomical abnormalities, vulvodynia and vaginismus – and you need to be examined by a doctor.
If you have cuts and tears that you can see and feel, you can use some vulva and vagina-friendly cuts cream to soothe and facilitate healing.
How to avoid fingering damage
Your vagina and vulva are delicate, and if you weren’t turned on, wet, and swollen with blood (vaginal tissue engorges with blood the same way an erection does) then the cushion of aroused flesh doesn’t exist, and it is very easy to damage the vaginal tissue.
You must be very turned on before anything goes into your vagina. Your vagina must be lubricated sufficiently (with lubricant, saliva or your natural vaginal lubrication) so that anything going into it slides deliciously, and doesn’t ‘grab’ at the sides, pinch, rub or hurt.
When you are inexperienced, you don’t understand the mechanics of sexual arousal, there is a tendency to go in for the kill way too early, which is easy for a guy to do with his penis, but absolutely not the way women’s bodies work at all. Slow and steady wins the race, and the vagina is the very last place to touch when turning on a woman.
It should already be wet and swollen when you get to it; not dry and ‘needing work’. Penises and vaginas are completely different, and you can’t touch one the way you touch the other. Guys tend to touch women the way they want to be touched, which is to grab the penis and jerk it off furiously until they ejaculate. It is a lady’s job to teach a man that women’s bodies are designed, by nature, to work differently.
Women are designed to be discerning in their sexual arousal, since a woman consenting to sex has a very good chance of resulting in a pregnancy (in biological terms). Female arousal is complex, and female sexual cues are more many and varied than men’s, which is why men think women are so complicated: we are, but there is a method to the madness.
The female body is not an instant sex machine until you know how to work it, which mostly means getting the brain involved in a big way – being horny is a mental activity that triggers off the body, not the other way around, and learning how to do this can take many years of sexy practice, learning what you like and what you don’t like. Every woman (and man for that matter) is different in what they like, so learn about the person, and don’t generalise.
Teaching guys what to do is essential
You must teach your gentleman callers how to touch you, to make sure he knows what feels good to you and what doesn’t, because he doesn’t know.
Most young ladies starting out on their sexual adventures don’t know how to touch themselves either, so are clumsy and shy when it comes to speaking up about it, which results in this sort of damage. You may have no idea what ‘good’ is supposed to feel like, and this fumbly fingering might be your first sexual experience ever.
Your lover would never want to deliberately hurt you, so if he is hurting you, you need to either ask him to stop what he is doing, or redirect him, “Let’s try this instead” and give him positive feedback when it feels good even if it feels awkward.
Never, ever keep doing something that hurts or feels like it is damaging you – it’s completely fine to say stop, or to try something else for a while, so practice talking while you learn about each other. It’s the only way to get it right.
Read this guide for guys on how to pleasure a woman using fingers and send the link to your gentleman caller (and here for how to pleasure a woman using your mouth). Fingering a complicated business, and is actually a poor way to start off your sex life – it hardly ever feels good, and is not the ‘stand-alone’ right-of-passage activity people make it out to be.
Dealing with feeling awkward
School every gentleman caller you have on how to touch you, so every girl he ever touches after you can thank you for it. Once you get a bit older, you will meet men whose previous girlfriends have never taught them how to touch them. Always leave someone better off than you found them – always.
Forget the awkwardness – it comes with the territory. Sex is weird, awkward and can be utterly hilarious, so embrace the awkward and teach each other how to be great lovers. Consider it one of your many contributions to the world.
Being a good lover means talking. Lots.
Everyone wants to be the world’s greatest lover, but you can’t become a skilled lover until you learn how to talk about what you like and how you like it, and find out what he (being the gentleman of your choice) likes and how he likes it.
You could end up one of those girls always faking it because you were too scared to speak up. Don’t be that girl. It’s a dull life.
He is fingering you because it is supposed to make you feel good, not because he likes it.You’ll find that he likes it if you like it. If you don’t like it, what’s the point? His finger isn’t any better off.
How to find out what you like
There are two ways to find out what you like: touch yourself, and get someone else – under direction – to touch you. It’s fun, weird and educational to do both. Be the student and the teacher and learn about the human body, remembering that the human body is complicated, sex is complicated, and above all else, it is supposed to be fun and feel good. Always.
Read about hymens here, check out the vag basics and examine some diagrams to see what your insides look like, and look at our sexuality section.