When you're pregnant, everyone from your mother-in-law to strangers on the bus seem super-eager to share totally unasked for advice, opinions, and labor horror stories with you. (Should you really be drinking that/eating that/wearing that/fill-in-the-annoying-blank?) At some point, you'll learn how to smile and nod politely while tuning them out. (Trust us, it's a useful skill.) But there are actually are a few tips that pregnant women really do need to hear—and chances are even your new-mom BFF may not mention them to you. While the following advice still isn't welcome from total strangers (or MILs) keep these things in mind when you're expecting:
No one would dare call out a woman for her wacky pregnancy cravings—hot-dogs and French fries with extra mustard? Go for it! In a well-intentioned effort to not be nosy or offensive, you may hear people telling you to eat whatever you want, keep your tummy happy, and the classic, "You're eating for two now." Except...sorry, but you really should not do this. We're not saying it's easy. The truth is, keeping pregnancy weight gain limited is a challenge for most pregnant women—and being told you can indulge is exactly what makes it harder to resist. But if you eat for two—forgetting, momentarily, that one of you is the size of a Japanese eggplant and definitely does not need a second slice of cheesecake—you'll gain too much weight, which could cause complications for you and your baby, both now and in the future.
- Stay on track with our pregnancy weight gain guidelines
People seem to have this urge—nay, need!—to remind pregnant women this is the most beautiful experience imaginable. Bringing life into the world is magnificent, but that doesn't mean pregnancy is all wonderful. There's no doubt what's going on in your body is truly amazing, but it would be nice to get a heads up about just how unpleasant it can actually feel sometimes. Don't think you're a terrible mother already because you can't stand the constant bathroom breaks, aching back muscles, and massive indigestion. Pregnancy is hard on a woman—any woman—and no one really enjoys every minute of it. You can love your unborn baby without loving everything that comes along with growing him for nine months.
We all know that woman who tries to hang on to her "stretchy" clothing for as long as possible before giving in to maternity attire. Who are we kidding? We don't just know her—we've been her. Your closest friends and family want you to feel good about yourself during this body-changing time—which is why they may tell you, incorrectly, that you you totally don't even look pregnant. You are pregnant and you look pregnant—and that's an amazing thing! There's no need to hide it. The fact is, there are plenty of stylish, affordable maternity clothing options available these days, and your expanding belly deserves to look good and feel good. So go for comfort and style and buy some cute maternity clothes before you can't button your too-tight jeans.
There's no sugar coating it—getting your pre-pregnancy body back is no easy task for most people. Pregnant women need to be prepared for the hard work that lies ahead. Telling them they'll bounce right back will only wreak havoc on their self-esteem when they're three months post-baby and nowhere near ready to slide into those skinny jeans again. Tell it like it is, people! And if a woman tells you she didn't have to work at it and the weight just fell off by itself, assume she's either lying or a warlock.
No, you're not a horrible person for secretly thinking belly rubbers should keep their hands to themselves! While it's heartwarming that so many people appreciate the beauty of creating new life, it's just awkward when people you barely know (or don't know at all!) get all touchy-feely with your belly.
Random people will tell you to embrace your new curves and enjoy the miracle growing inside you—but your old (now-way-too-small) jeans and your scale can make it really difficult to "enjoy," as can the normal aches and pains that growing a human being means for your body. As your shape changes, you may start to feel a little uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally, which is totally normal. Even if you look great to everyone else, you may just feel a little off. How could you not? You have a human being growing inside your belly. Newsflash: It's okay to not love your new shape, or the way it's making you feel.
If there's one thing you can expect after delivery, it's an emotional roller coaster ride. Whether it's postpartum depression, the baby blues, not feeling bonded to your baby right away, or just a few days or weeks of feeling out-of-sorts, post-delivery time is rough on everyone. Your body has gone thorough so much in such a short time and it's perfectly normal to experience an array of uncontrollable emotions. A heads up about this would be more helpful advice than hearing yet another person tell you that you're having a girl because they can tell just by looking at you.
While we're on the topic of post-delivery, here's a friendly warning that you'll still look 6 months pregnant in the days after your baby comes out. (Remember Kate Middleton's postpartum pooch? That's a best-case scenario.) Your belly, perhaps once bearing actual, visible abdominal muscles, will feel like raw bread dough. Do not make the mistake of packing non-maternity jeans in your hospital bag. Do understand that the look and feel of your belly will improve with time.
It seems anyone and everyone who has ever had an arduous labor experience feels the need to share their birthing story with expecting mothers. Where are the good stories? Are there any? Yes, yes there are. Some women have good experiences. Some women have mercifully short labors or effective epidurals or just-as-they-planned-it Bradley Method births. Some women do not get vaginal tears and do not spend three hours pushing their babies out. Try not to focus too much on how terrible labor and delivery will be because there's a chance it won't be all that bad at all. But one thing is for sure: No matter what delivery is like or how annoyed you were by all the advice that came your way, feeling your newborn's heart against yours will help you forget all about it.
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What to Expect is all very well, but I don’t remember reading anything about the possibility of being left with grey skin “down below”… read this before you conceive. According to the books, you need about 300 extra calories a day in the second trimester of pregnancy and 500 more in the third. It doesn’t feel that way, though. It feels as if you need about 3,000 calories a day, and you want them in refined carbohydrate form. There are times when I would trample over a small child to get to the last biscuit. My finest hour was the day my husband’s grandmother died. We spent the day at his parents’ house with his mum, waiting for news from his dad, who was at the hospital. Snacking was not on anyone’s mind that afternoon, so by the time we procured an Indian takeaway at about 8.30pm, I was starving.
Just as we sat down to eat, we got word that this very big character had passed away. There followed a flurry of phone calls as my husband and mother-in-law spoke to various family members, getting information and passing it along. I, however, had no one to call and a lot of great-smelling food in front of me. I should have waited, but instead I gobbled. I gorged. I thought not of Nana, but naan. By the time the bereaved had returned to the room, there was about one third of our three-person meal left for them to share between two. “I’m so sorry,” I told them. “I don’t know what to say. I think there’s still a bit of Peshwari.”1. Propriety goes out of the window at mealtimes
2. That “lustrous hair” - it’s everywhere
Extra-thick hair is one of the few bonuses promised to pregnant women. Read the small print, however, and it says: “may appear on stomach, nipples and bikini line”. My friend’s eight-month bump was suddenly covered in downy white hair (why?) and when we checked mine to compare, we found that stretching had caused the unfortunate “crab ladder” to evolve into a crab labyrinth.
Neither is this a time when you’ll feel comfortable enlisting a professional waxer. Ever tried pre-trimming your pubes with a beach ball attached to your midriff? Perilous.
MORE GLOSS: Pregnancy and nutrition
3. You may be left wanting more, not less, sex
While a lot of women can’t stand the sight (or smell) of their partners during pregnancy, the hormones can also send you the other way. Call it oestrogen, call it the instinct to cling desperately on to your mate and the memory of a normal life – please look away now if you’re reading, Mum – I basically wanted sex every day. If my husband isn’t as keen I worry that it’s because my body has changed, or he only sees me as a mother now, or he’s having an affair. Probably all three. *Weeps*
Still, it could be worse: one of my pregnant friends is just as up for it as me, but is now so fat as to be inaccessible. She cannot physically do it any more. Who warns you about this? Nobody.
4. You can gain an awful lot of weight in nine months
My friend isn’t alone. Take a look at some old pictures of Kate Hudson, who gained five stone in her first pregnancy. Or even better, Jessica Simpson. They should use pictures of Jessica Simpson pregnant to sell condoms.
5. You’ll have a cold for an entire trimester
AHEM. AHEHEHEHEHEHEHEMMM. HEM. Sorry, that was my “pregnancy cough”. I’ve had it since January. I’ve tried everything – vitamins, rest, paracetamol, moderate exercise, antibiotics – but I cannot kick it. Apparently this is a thing: your immunity is lowered. It is seriously boring.
6. Your skin might change colour… down there
My friend recently noticed in a mirror that the inner labia of her vagina had turned a dark, purplish colour. After Googling the problem, she learned that this is to do with the extra blood volume you have in pregnancy (up to 50 per cent more) – that area can become engorged, causing it to look like “a pound of liver”. Apparently, this can become a permanent situation. One woman even wrote on a messageboard that hers had gone grey – as if it had died.
This sort of information is why I don’t Google any more. This, and the guy who was online asking if anyone knew of any bleaching creams that would help restore his wife’s natural colouring.
7. The bump doesn’t deflate like a beach ball after birth
Maybe you knew that, but hadn’t heard it as brutally as my friend gave it to me. “Measure your bump now [at seven months],” she said. “That’s the size it’ll go back down to after you’ve given birth.” This news is depressing in the extreme.
MORE GLOSS: Keeping fit during pregnancy
8. You’ll lose your short-term memory
Where are my keys? Since being pregnant, I have absolutely no idea most of the time, even if the answer turns out to be “in your hand”. Still, I comforted myself, at least I was still able to function well at work – it’s just the little practical details that seem to slip my mind. That was until last week, when I promised to complete some work, a regular freelance project I have, for a 9.30am deadline on Thursday. And also forgot to check my emails for that whole day, meaning that I missed the 20 messages I got from my boss with subject lines like “Where are you? CALL ME NOW”. I didn't tell this employer that I was pregnant as I didn't want to lose the work, so when they phoned me on Friday morning, sounding surprised I was still alive, I really didn’t want to go: “Sorry – preg head!” So I told them I was… jetlagged. Yeah. I know.
9. You’re expected to have a view on Bugaboos
And iCandys and Cossattos and McLarens. They all look and cost basically the same, but apparently if you get the wrong one it will ruin your life. Oh, and you have to order it at least two months before you need it, so you have no idea what said life will be like once you do.
10. Some of your friends will ditch you
The ones who are too young for kids, or never want kids, or really want kids but are struggling to have them, will shun you. When you’re waiting for a bomb to go off under your work and home life, you could do without this. But it’s understandable. Who wants to hang out with the teetotal, hormonal, tired-at-10.30pm, constantly complaining spreader of cough germs and grabber of last helpings?
Follows us on @getthegloss and Emma @Barters
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