I sat next to my best friend on her queen-sized, bed, surrounded by a mass of pillows doing what best friends do best: heart to hearts. Show
We laid out the details like a deck of cards. What had gone wrong. Mistakes made on both sides. The scars it had left. What I learned from it. How I was planning to let go and move on. Rewind to 2016 when I realized that I had feelings for my best guy friend. After three years of a great friendship — of long phone calls, of making fun of each other, of seeing each other at our worst, of challenging each other to grow, of rooting for each other, of me calling him to come save me — I realized I was in love, and it scared the crap out of me. What scared me was that I knew. I knew how I felt. I knew what he meant to me. I knew if I had to choose, I’d always pick him. It was that feeling that older, more mature couples talk about, “When you know, you know.”
So what did I do? I hard-core stuffed those emotions, deep, deep down in a dark tunnel that no one could find. I worked out to avoid feeling. I worked more hours to avoid emotions. I slept to avoid emotions. I shopped to avoid emotions. And guess what? The feelings were still there. They didn’t go anywhere.
One crisp, clear L.A. night with a glass of wine in hand, I took my phone to my apartment’s deck, and I made the call. With shaky hands and a trembling voice, I said the words that I had been trying so hard to bury: I have feelings for you. We tried going back to being close friends like we had always been, but it didn’t happen that way. The phone calls stopped. The witty texts stopped filling my inbox. We saw each other once more in 2016 when we both were home. My heart wasn’t ready. I thought I could be his friend again, but my heart was still hurting. So when I got back to L.A., I sent him a text and said I couldn’t handle being his friend right now. He sent me a thumbs up emoji. We haven’t spoken since.
Guess, what? I’m still here. Being honest about my emotions and being vulnerable didn’t destroy me. It didn’t kill me. While awfully uncomfortable, I am still here. To be honest, it was relieving to just be honest. It was like releasing pressure from a balloon. Once it was pierced, it all just came out. I know now that I am enough, with or without this person. Just because one guy didn’t pick me, it doesn’t mean I am unworthy of love or not good enough. I am enough, just as I am: imperfect, beautiful me.
I am finding that part of being an adult and an overall emotionally healthy human being means allowing yourself to be real and vulnerable. While there are a lot of things I would go back and do differently, I am proud of myself for having the courage to be vulnerable. I am proud of myself for voicing my feelings. I am even proud of myself for saying I wasn’t ready to be friends yet because I wasn’t. I know now that that’s OK. I only wish I would have had that conversation in person and not sent a text. It deserved more care and so did he. Yet, I can show myself grace because I had some growing to do, as we are all in process, imperfect human beings. In 2016, I was a hot mess in more ways than one. I didn’t value myself nor my voice. 2017 saw a lot of growth, a lot, and boy was it painful. I grew to be more confident in my talents and gifts. I came to get to know and actually like the woman I saw staring back at me in the mirror. I learned to say no, to set boundaries with other people, and to make self-care a priority. 2018 allowed me to put those lessons into action and I gained a thicker skin. In 2019, I hope to only go up from here.
The top tips I’ve learned and am implementing into my life.
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Are you overthinking, “Am I in love with my best friend?” This quiz reveals your hidden crush on your bestie and exposes your feelings for them. Are you more than just friends? Is It Love? Signs You’re in Love with Your Best FriendIf you cannot stop fantasizing about your best friend, get jealous when they date others, crave their physical affection, overthink your look and are too attentive around them, and constantly flirt with them, you’re in love with your best friend. Take the Love and Friendship Quiz to Find OutThe series of questions on this page expose if you are in love with your friend. We analyze your emotions, reactions, and behavior around your bestie, seeking affection signs. Things the quiz can uncover: Is it love or lust?You might wonder if you’re in love or lust with your buddy. It’s natural for allosexual humans to have occasional fantasies about their close ones. But it can feel abnormal when you have a nonsexual relationship with them. The quiz helps you figure out if you’re just a lustful, naughty friend or it’s actually love. Will it ruin our friendship?Sensing that your emotions are changing for a friend can be stressful. You wonder how it’s going to affect your relationship—especially when you really like that bond. So, the quiz uses your responses to estimate how likely it is for your feelings to affect the friendship negatively. Friendship Love vs. Romantic LoveFriendships are based on mutual platonic love. But romance is different in that it includes sexual attraction and the will to be more than casual pals. You don’t dream about having a family with your bestie, and if you do, you’re already in a romantic relationship with them. 8 Undeniable Things You Do When You’re More Than FriendsUse this checklist the next time you ask yourself, “am I in love with my best friend?” Despite your denial, the following actions and reactions are clear symptoms of a growing crush on your bestie. #1. You get jealous when your bestie starts dating.A tiny dose of jealousy is acceptable in any friendship—because you don’t want to lose your friend. But you probably need to call it a red flag when jealousy levels are higher. #2. You find yourself accidentally flirting with your friend.It’s not unusual for besties to compliment or even flirt with each other for the sake of fun. But accidental flirting combined with extra teasy-ish behaviors are signs of having a crush on your friend. #3. Everyone thinks you’re already in love.Many people actually self-question, “Am I in love with my best friend?” after someone ships them. So, if you constantly hear comments or questions about you two being in a relationship, you might want to reconsider your emotions. #4. You fantasize about your best friend.Sexual fantasies happen even when in platonic and friendly relationships. But when you love someone, you can’t stop dreaming about physical intimacy with them—unless, of course, you’re asexual. #5. Your bestie’s physical affection feels different.Do you feel like your whole body reacts when your best friend touches you? If yes, chances are you’re in love. One of the main differences between friendship love and romance is the sexual tension. #6. You are not interested in others.Think about how willing you are to date someone before asking, “Am I in love with my best friend?” If you’re open to seeing others and dating, you’re less likely to have a crush on your buddy. #7. You don’t cringe thinking about dating your bestie.In most casual friendships, the idea of dating each other would cringe the two ends. However, not cringing and subtly enjoying the thought is a sign: you’re likely to have a crush on your mate. #8. You’re too attentive around your friend.A fun part of being in a close and intimate friendship is that you don’t worry about imperfections. Your pal knows every unpleasant detail about you and still wants to hang around. But when you start falling in love with a friend, you become more attentive and less willing to show your flaws. What If the Quiz Says I’m in Love with My Best Friend?Don’t panic; there’s nothing wrong with loving someone or wanting to be more than friends with them. If the quiz exposes your crush on a bestie, you need to prepare yourself for confession—or at least discuss the topic with them. Here are some tips. Choose honesty over secrecy.You probably have so many questions in your head: Will they like me? Am I ready for a relationship? Are my emotions real? So, understandably, you may prefer not to talk about it with your friend. But that might damage your bond because you’re keeping a secret from your best friend—something that real pals never do. So, instead of running away from your emotions, discuss them with your bestie. At least let them know that you have some “thoughts” that include them. Let them know that your friendship matters.The first big question is, “Am I in love with my best friend?” the second: Will our friendship survive? When confessing your feelings, it’s crucial to ensure your friend that you value what you two already have. Don’t bombard your friend with your emotions.It’s a good idea to reveal your feelings gradually. First, you can only bring up the topic and explain your thoughts. Then you can slowly reveal more when you feel like your pal is ready to hear it. Be prepared for any reaction.You might be in love with your best friend. But that doesn’t guarantee they have the same feeling. So, prepare yourself for any outcome and don’t let it break you down—though, it’s easier said than done. Be creative.You can use a love tester with your best friend before confessing your feelings. It’s a quiz to estimate how much you love each other—and it’s actually the best tool to help you bring up the matter. Take the test, prove to your bestie that it’s more than a casual friendship love with your results, and then confess. Smooth. Ready to Uncover Your Crush on Your Bestie? The Quiz Is AwaitingDespite all, the big question remains: Are you in love with your best friend? So, prepare yourself for a challenging quiz where we expose everything with no mercy. Respond to 20 seemingly innocent questions to find out if you have a crush on a pal or not. Questions of the quiz
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Am in love with my best friend
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