Best friend shows me her tits

The Friendzone. It's a favourite guy term. So much so that it seems some men feel zoning is something only women do to men. Bullsh*t, my dudes. It's universal and gender neutral. And it doesn't mean you're not alpha enough, or desirable enough, or too nice, or any of that junk. It's just that you find yourself being one of two humans who feel differently for one another. It happens.

Friendzone has been the romantic rejection buzzword par excellence for nearly two decades thanks to, you guessed it, Joey and Ross on Friends. But it's not new. Shakespeare called it unrequited love, and the music industry wouldn't exist without it. I'm looking at you, Prince (God rest/cue crying doves). It's a platonic purgatory reserved for those nursing a love forlorn. Sad face emoji. But, there's an upside — and a way out. First, let's see if you're in the right place. Got a bud you fancy and you're not sure you're in the zone? Need a concrete sign?

Good news, hapless traveller. Here's 5:

1. Netflix and chill is extra chilly 

If movie nights are common, but you're always slumped down in the same trusty armchair and she's reclining on the sofa as you binge through Narcos, you're deep in the Friendzone. Mariana trench deep. Hope you brought your diving bell. "Oh, but we always share the sofa so maybe she's just...?" She's just... your pal. If she gets cold and reaches for a blanket, a hoodie, or anything else that isn't your human form, you're buds. Especially if you've dropped cuddle hints, or made a more concrete move, and she still just wants her fave throw. Adjust your oxygen and come up for air. It's okay. Breathe. Bring caramel popcorn next time. Hug those carbs. They'll never leave you. Ever. Need proof of carb's love? If your clothes are tighter, it's working!

Upside: She may have stolen your heart, but at least you have a reliable movie buddy who won't steal your heat. As a true Canadian, you'll value that. 

2. She carefully crafts grand intros

And they always star you in the lead role of "buddy". Never are your whereabouts more certain than when she vocalizes  — for all to hear — something of the, "Everyone, this is my friend Thomas," variety. Especially if your name is Carl. "Good", or "great", even "dear" may proceed your name, but they don't obviate the word "friend" so much as reinforce it. Not only is she comfortable being buds, but she wants everyone to know you aren't attached romantically. Similarly, if she calls you buddy, pal, bro, or dude and you've never kissed, or held hands, or anything usually hidden by conventional clothing, you're in a zone clearly marked "Friends". She has her reasons, but I'm sorry, sir, you cannot park your romance here.

Upside: You get to park your romance anywhere else! Even near any one of her friends, but not near her. Move along.

3. She's a greasy sweatpants monster 

With you, that is. If she's in sweats, no makeup, and a messy bun every time you guys hang out, she's not concerned with impressing you romantically. We know you think she's beautiful au naturel, but take a beat and scan for effort. If you only see her done up when you're out with other humans, that's a fluorescent traffic cone. One that's gently ushering you into very platonic parameters. That goes double if she only looks extra nice when other guys are around. People go through a whole theatrical parade of primping and posturing when they're seeking romantic approval. Sorry for the alliteration, but I'm pushing a particularly poignant point. If she saw you as Mr. Right, or even Mr. Maybe, she would be nervous, if not mortified, for you to see her disheveled.

Upside: You can show up after hockey practice sans shower! I mean, don't, but it would change nada. Plus, those cargo shorts you aren't sure are cool (pssst, they aren't) won't ever be a problem.

4. No physical contact outside of high fives

Frankly, even if you guys are huggers, you may still just be BFFs. Think about it. If it's a quick hug and you typically linger longer just to see if she's gonna linger longer, you're probs in the Friendzone. And you've definitely noticed, because people who like each other look for any excuse to make physical contact. Which is why you're always noticing how little she touches you outside of greetings or hockey goals. Or that one time her knee brushed against yours in the car, but she lazily but confidently drew it back and relegated you once again to the island of misfit boys. You remember, she was wearing her favourite scarf and you could really smell her hair. You poor bastard.

Upside: She will never care that your love handles have been competing for real estate with your man boobs ever since you've started eating so much caramel popcorn on movie night.

5. She asks you for guy advice 

And the guy isn't you. If she's confiding in you about crushes she has, and asking advice about how to interpret the texts or actions of other suitors, you've been quarantined in the Friendzone. Especially if she's asking for a male perspective on winning them over. Furthermore, and this is the real indicator: if she starts dating a guy and nothing changes between you, your position at Friendzone University is assured. You have full tenure. Buy a house near campus. May sound obvious, but her dating another guy isn't the indicator. Her acting differently because she's dating another guy is. If her behaviour stays static, it's because she feels no inner conflict about the time she spends with you — because you don't register romantically on her radar. Yup, that's a solid kick to the confidence, but you can handle it. You're a professor for God's sake!

Upside: All that advice you're giving her is bound to be reciprocal. Which means, you get to pick her brain when trying to navigate other romantic relationships! You may not realize it now, but that's a solid bonus.

Fear not suffering sojourner, there is one foolproof way out of the Friendzone. And it yields full amnesty, every single time. Talk to her about your feelings. Make them clear. Be as honest, calm, and straightforward and as possible. I know, your legs are shaking because you've been walking through this wasteland a while, but guess what? She may have no idea you're into her and say "me too!" Congrats! You're in a rom com!

Real talk: communicating your feelings to her can shift the nature of your friendship. Realer talk: it can also end it. So, for better or worse, you've got to be ready for any awkwardness that this convo might yield. 

Lastly, drop the "zone" and just be friends. People we genuinely like are rare and worth holding on to. Even if it's all high fives and hugs. Especially ones of the opposite sex, because they help round out our perspective on things.

If an honest talk doesn't lead to romance, stay pals — but put down those carbs. Go burn them off looking for someone who wants to movie cuddle with you PG-13 styles. And bring your wing girl.