Can you forgive if you cant forget?

Are you worried that forgiveness would somehow condone the past or excuse a serious wrong done to you?

How can an abused wife forgive her husband or a child victim offer forgiveness to their molester? Even if a person’s forgiveness is deep and all the hard work of healing done, can it you ever forget? These are big questions that often leave us stuck on the forgiveness issue as we cling to our offenses, too scared to put them down.

Psalm 103: 12 reads “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”

Hebrews 8: 12 says: “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

God is able to forgive and forget our sins. Yet, when God forgives and forgets, He has the benefit of examining the heart. He can see the internal contrition that has led that person to repent. He knows if the person will mess up again or stay faithful to the changes they have made.

We don’t have this luxury. We don’t know if a person will hurt us again or if their commitment to do right by us is sincere. In this way, forgetting looks like a gamble.

Scripture stresses the importance of forgiving others. God commands it, so we can’t get out of it. Matthew 6: 15 sternly warns us “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” A lot is at stake if we don’t forgive those who have wronged us.

Here’s the good news: There is no scripture saying “Forgive and forget”. Forgetting is not required. I would even be bold enough to say that forgetting isn’t always wise. God created our memory for a purpose.

To forgive a serious offender, you must choose in your heart to address all feelings of hate. Remove them through prayer. Forgiveness is challenging, but God is willing to walk beside you in the process. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the wrong done to you. Pretending it never happened will get you nowhere. Forgiveness is simply a heart decision to hold nothing against a person for the wrongs they committed against you.

Forgiveness doesn’t equal trust. There are some relationships that need to end and others that God may wish to restore. Seek His wisdom and move in it.

As you walk in forgiveness, be aware that the enemy would like to keep you bound to fear and anger. He hates forgiveness. He’ll seek to wind you up again. Don’t let him.

Sometimes you’ll have to remind yourself that you’ve forgiven. That’s okay. Just keep at it. Living forgiveness brings emotional and spiritual healing.  It keeps you from destruction through the attacks the enemy has launched at you through human hands.

Prayer: Abba Father, I’m scared to forgive. I’ve built my anger into a safe spot, a wall for me to hide behind. Help me to walk out the forgiveness process. Teach me to look to you as my refuge and not try to defend myself in my own power. Thank you for my memories, the good, the bad and the ugly. They have served as warnings in the past. Thank you for the wisdom you give me through your Holy Spirit. Help me to know if forgetting is wise. Help me to know what forgiveness should look like in my situation. Expose any areas where bitterness hides so that I can address it and be free. Teach me to love the unlovable. Give me a heart for those who have hurt me and help me to walk out forgiveness by faith not feeling. Amen.

Truth: Forgiveness is a crucial part of your faith. God instructs us to forgive and warns us of real penalties when we choose to withhold it. Proceeding with caution does not imply an incomplete forgiveness. Forgiveness does not equal trust. God will give you wisdom on how to proceed (whether to heal a relationship or let it go). Your only responsibility is to forgive.

Can you truly forgive without forgetting? That is a great question. Most of us were told as children to forgive and forget when someone hurt or did something against us. I found that to be difficult and even sometimes impossible. While I found forgiving someone to be fairly easy, I could not always forget. I felt bad about this. I thought that made me a terrible person. Have you ever felt that way?

Forgive and Forget

I mean sure, if someone took something from me or got mad at me or something that did not really impact my life. Those things are easier to forgive and forget and go on with life and the relationship. However, sometimes people can inflict such wounds on a person that they can be harmed for life. Some things can be forgiven, but not so easily forgotten. Have you been impacted in such a way? Do you need some relief so that you can be at peace and move on with your life? Can you truly forgive without forgetting?

Forgiving is Not Forgetting

What a relief! You can forgive someone for their offenses against you even if you can’t forget. It seems flippant to tell someone to just forgive and let it go when emotional and/or physical trauma has been experienced by the hand of another person. Sometimes much therapy is required for that person to recover and regain their footing in life. It may be that a boundary or even complete removal of the offender from the life of the offended is necessary. And that is ok. It is not wrong to protect yourself from further injury.

Does Forgiveness Always Mean Reconciliation?

Reconciliation can only occur when both people desire to mend the relationship. Even so, guard your heart. This is often the last step in the forgiveness process. The good news is that you can forgive your offender even without allowing them back into your life. Forgiveness is for you. It is to give you peace and comfort. If the offender actually asks for forgiveness, then it is a beautiful gift that is yours to give.

Listen to this great word from Max Lucado. You will be glad you did! I’m glad I did!

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If this video connected with you in some way, and you’d like to find out more about having a relationship with God and how His forgiveness and grace applies to you, a great place to start is praying the prayer below. The words themselves aren’t magic, but if you earnestly pray them and mean them, God will hear you! He’ll help you in ways you don’t understand, and we’ll help you find support and next steps.

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