How do I calm my baby in the NICU?

Here are a few tips for how to cope so you can better care for both your preemie and yourself while your baby is in the NICU.

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Life has thrown you a curve ball. Your baby was born early and is now in the neonatal intensive-care unit (NICU). As a new parent, you may be understandably confused and stressed about what to do and how to cope while your premature baby is still in the hospital.

You’re super excited about the newest addition to your family, yet you can’t room in, you can’t nurse and sometimes you can’t even hold your child for more than a few minutes at a time. Thankfully, there’s a lot you can do to both cope with the stress and bond with your preemie while your baby is still in the NICU.

What will my baby's and my postpartum experience be like? 

During a premature birth, everything happens very quickly, and parents can feel overwhelmed — especially if their birth plan goes out the window. As challenging as it may be, try to stay calm. Knowing what’s ahead can help you feel more prepared. Here’s what you need to know:

You might not get to snuggle at first

When you give birth early, whether via vaginal birth or C-section, chances are you’re not going to be able to cuddle your preemie right after birth. (Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time for cozy skin-to-skin contact later.)

The medical staff will whisk your baby away for necessary assessments, medical treatments and possibly oxygen. Depending on your medical status, you may need some attention as well.

Get acclimated with the NICU

Your baby will spend anywhere from a few days to several months in the NICU being cared for by highly trained doctors and nurses. Parents can generally come and go whenever they want (except during shift changes and while medical procedures are going on), but other visitors (and their germs) are strictly limited. 

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Expect more concern than congrats

Because family and friends are worried about your baby’s well-being, you may get cards and calls of concern, rather than flowers and teddy bears after delivery.

Be open and honest — thank them for their thoughtfulness, and nicely ask them to be upbeat and positive for you and your baby. And by all means, plan a cheerful celebration once you and your baby are up to it.

Know that your baby will stay longer than you

One of the biggest emotional challenges you’ll experience with a premature birth is leaving your baby in the hospital once you're released. But realize that however painful the separation may be, it’s for the best as your baby will be getting the specialized care she needs.

One little bonus: You’ll have a bit of time to rest up and recover to be the best, healthiest parent you can be for your baby.

Read up

In the time that your baby is away, read up on books about caring for preterm babies. Additionally, do some research on commonly used medical NICU terms so you can better understand what’s going on when you’re at the hospital.

Watch procedures

For some parents, this is too emotionally difficult. For others, being present can be really helpful. Some NICUs are very welcoming to new parents watching procedures such as IV starts.

Tips for coping while your baby is in the NICU

One of the most jarring aspects of being the parent of a preemie is the isolation. You might feel like you’re alone on a rollercoaster of emotions that weigh heavily as your hormones fluctuate wildly post-pregnancy.

But it’s important to remember that even though you may feel alone, countless other parents of preemies have experienced similar feelings, even those in the same hospital as you are who may not have expressed their concern out loud.

Here are some things to keep in mind and tips that may help:

Emotional fluctuations are normal

Emotions can run the gamut from feelings of frustration, intense sadness, nervousness, disappointment, guilt, anger, love and hopelessness. Parents' reactions to having a baby in the NICU often conflict or fluctuate wildly. You might feel hopeful one minute, hopeless the next, deeply in love with your baby one day, afraid to love her the next.

Whatever you're feeling, saying and doing is perfectly normal. Such extreme and sometimes contradictory emotions are experienced by nearly every parent of a premature baby at one time or another (though you may often believe that no one else has ever felt the way you do).

Be honest about your emotions

Admitting that you feel this way rather than suppressing your emotions can do a lot to lift the burden. Keeping emotions to yourself can make you feel unnecessarily alone and isolated.

Let the NICU staff know what your feelings and fears are. Not only will they understand what you're going through (since helping parents is almost as important to their job as helping babies), but they may offer insights that can help you cope.

You and your partner need each other

If you have a partner, you can gain strength by leaning on each other — and you can be more effective as a team than individually. Open communication can also help keep the stress inherent in parenting a preemie (or having a sick baby) from hurting your relationship.

Remember, people cope with stress in different ways, so try and be understanding if your partner does it differently than you.

Reach out to other NICU families

Try talking with other parents in the NICU. You'll likely find that they also feel alone, unsure and scared.

No one can relate better to what you're experiencing — and share more wisdom and empathy — than parents who've gone through it themselves. Friendships are easily formed in the NICU because other parents need you as much as you need them.

Many hospitals make support available through groups run by the NICU social worker. They can also hook you up with support families whose babies have left the NICU, especially via online groups.

Also, be sure to tap into the message boards at What to Expect to look for support from those who know what it's like to have a preemie. A mobile source of support will be especially invaluable during those long days and nights of waiting at the NICU.

Give yourself some time

You probably won't be on an even emotional keel at least until your baby is on an even physical one. Until then, you'll have good days and bad days (usually corresponding to your baby's ups and downs).

If you're a brand new parent of a preemie, your physical recovery and normal hormonal fluctuations can intensify feelings of all kinds. Reminding yourself that your feelings are normal won't make them go away, but it will help give you the perspective you need to cope with them.

Love yourself

The emotions you're experiencing may be compounded by the physical exhaustion that comes with keeping a round-the-clock vigil at your baby's bedside. Every parent needs a break — and no one needs it (or deserves it) more than a parent of a preemie.

So take one, and don't feel guilty about it. Break for a movie with your partner, dinner with friends, a jog around the lake or a few hours to browse for baby's layette. You'll return feeling less stressed, more refreshed and better equipped to handle the days ahead.

Plus, you'll have learned an important lesson about being a parent: Taking the best care of your baby means taking time for yourself too.

How can I bond with my baby while she is in the NICU?

It can be really difficult for new parents who yearn to snuggle with their new babies not to be able to as much as they like or maybe not at all. But thankfully, bonding can occur in lots of other ways.

Take all the skin-to-skin contact you can get

Whenever you or your partner can, hold your baby against your bare chest, so she can feel and hear your heart beating. For a premature baby in the NICU, such moments are crucial.

In fact, many studies have shown that preemies who get regular skin-to-skin contact (aka kangaroo care) gain weight faster, have a more stable heart rate and are able to nurse and go home sooner.

One caveat: At first — especially if your baby is extremely premature — you won’t be allowed to hold her for longer than a few minutes at a time … but every one of those minutes counts.

When you can’t hold her, stay close

Even if you can’t hold your baby for long, you may be allowed to place your hand in the incubator and stroke her cheek or arm. And just sitting at her bedside can be a bonding experience.

Looking at your amazing baby, you’ll feel an outpouring of love for her. She’s bound to absorb those good vibes through all her developing senses.

Try to pump

If you're pumping breast milk, it’s important to try to pump every few hours to establish and keep up your milk supply. With a picture of your baby nearby, this can be an intense bonding experience, especially if your baby can’t breastfeed at first.

Bring containers of milk from home labeled with your baby’s name, date and time pumped and give them to staff, who will put them in a special refrigerator or freezer for later use. Most hospitals have professional-grade pumps available, either for free or for a small rental fee that you can use while your baby is in the NICU.

Also remember that the Affordable Care Act requires health insurance plans to provide new moms with breastfeeding support. Most marketplace plans must provide breastfeeding equipment and counseling for pregnant and nursing women.

Talk to your baby

She’s been hearing your voice for many months in utero, so speaking and singing gently to your premature baby in the NICU is a terrific way to bond and feel close, even when you can’t hold her.

Some parents even record themselves talking, singing or reading and leave a digital recorder at the baby’s bedside for staff to play later.

Do the grunt work too

See if you can participate in other forms of NICU care, like diapering, weighing and bathing your child. Not only will you and your baby get to know each other, you’ll free up the medical staff to do other tasks.

At first, it can seem incredibly intimidating to even pick up your tiny baby, especially if she’s got multiple wires attached. Ask a staffer to show you how to put tiny diapers on her, place her on the scale and give her a sponge bath.

Take photos

To help feel close to your baby when you’re away from the NICU, keep photos of her at home — especially someplace visible from your pumping chair if you're pumping.

Another reason to take NICU photos: When this experience is over, you’ll look back on it with bittersweet emotions. Granted, it wasn’t the beginning you envisioned for your family all those months ago, but it’s the start that you got and that makes it precious and memorable.

From the What to Expect editorial team and Heidi Murkoff, author of What to Expect When You're Expecting. What to Expect follows strict reporting guidelines and uses only credible sources, such as peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions and highly respected health organizations. Learn how we keep our content accurate and up-to-date by reading our medical review and editorial policy.

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