I used to love her now I hate her

Love is a mystery.

It is one of the most ancient of all the mysteries, and the most lasting. And one aspect of that mystery is how you can go so quickly from loving someone to absolutely, positively hating their living guts.

Now, neuroscience is explaining that part of the mystery.

A recent study out of the Wellcome Laboratory of Neurobiology took volunteers with a deep hatred for a specific individual and scanned their brains. It's probably not a shock to learn that the majority of participants chose an ex-lover. Some selected a professional rival, and a small percentage chose a famous political figure.

Researchers then analyzed the neural activity of participants as they gazed upon photos of their Most Abhorred Person in the World (with reactions to people about whom they felt neutral as a control).

The results surprised even the scientists.

They found that the hate circuit includes two parts of the brain found in the sub-cortex: the putamen and the insula. The putamen is a part of the brain scientists already know has to do with contempt and disgust, and may also be involved in the motor system (the part of the brain that controls movement or action). The insula has been shown to be involved in responses to distressing stimuli.

The surprising part? According to neurobiologist and head researcher Professor Semir Zeki, "[T]he network involves regions of the putamen and the insula that are almost identical to the ones activated by passionate, romantic, love."

In other words, the wiring in the brain associated with hate ... is the same as that of love.

"Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled and eradicated. Yet to the biologist, hate is a passion that is of equal interest to love," Professor Zeki said.

Thus, while love and hate are at seemingly polar opposites in literature and in our common thinking on the subject, physiologically-speaking they are, quite literally, intimately related.

As it turns out, they're not identical. But even the difference between them is cause for pause: When you scan the brain of someone looking at a person they hate, only a small part of the cerebral cortex (associated with reasoning and judgment) is deactivated; when they're looking at someone they love, large parts of the cerebral cortex are deactivated.

In plain English, this means your ability to exercise logic and reason is switched pretty far off when you're in love with someone, but if you hate them, you can exercise better judgment.

According to Professor Zeki, "This may seem surprising since hate can also be an all-consuming passion like love. But whereas in romantic love, the lover is often less critical and judgmental regarding the loved person, it is more likely that in the context of hate, the hater may want to exercise judgment in calculating moves to harm, injure or otherwise exact revenge."

So: Not only does hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but once she hates you, she's thinking a whole lot more clearly.

The lesson here is not, of course, to feel free to hate people you used to love. It is simply to be kind and gentle with yourself if you do notice those kinds of feelings arising. Feeling murderous rage towards your ex doesn't make you a bad person--if anything, this study demonstrates that there's only so much you can do about that, given that it's lighting up the same brain circuitry for you.

The question isn't whether you feel the hate, it's what you do with it.

There are lots of ways to stuff down distressing feelings: eating Oreos, watching Netflix, over-exercising, playing video games, even working. It's harder and less comfortable to sit down and actually feel the feelings. Yet that's what many psychologists (not to mention mystics) will tell you actually helps you move through and past them, so you can let go and move on.

Love. Hate. Love. Hate.

If they're that linked in the brain, then it doesn't just work one way around. If you can go quickly from love to hate, then you can also go from hate to love. And not only love of another. There's also self-love. Love of nature. Love of humanity.

Just love.

Forgiveness can be a long path, but it's a worthy one. And forgiveness of others is far easier to attain once you have forgiven yourself.

Maybe, to get there, all you need is love.

I hate her. I hate the way she makes me feel.

I hate the way that every time I see her name pop up on my screen, on my feed anywhere; I instantly get happy.

I hate the way that seeing her can make me smile and forget everything.

I hate the way her smile is one of the most intoxicating things I've ever seen.

I hate the way her laugh can make me laugh even if nothing was said.

I hate the way we were able to talk for hours about nonsense, but it still felt like we managed to connect on everything said.

I hate the way we used to be able to give each other that look and know exactly what the other meant. Be it: "Look at that", "What's wrong?" anything. The look was so unique that you knew what it meant regardless of situation; even though it just looked like a normal face to everyone else, we knew what it really was.

I hate the way that I used to know what was going on on a day-to-day basis and used to love hearing about all those quirks and ticks that set you off throughout the day. Now I barely know anything and you may as well be a stranger.

I hate the way that we used to be able to call each other up. Any time. Any where. And get an immediate answer. But now, I struggle to get a text back off you in the same week without getting the standard "Sorry, missed your text"

I hate the way that you managed to make me feel so useless and worthless without trying.

I hate the way, that despite all the 'history' we had... You were able to throw me to one side so easily.

I hate the way that, despite all the emotions you've put me through; you're still able to make me smile just by seeing your name.

I hate the way that every time I smell the perfume you used to wear is able to give me a few seconds of happiness but a day of feeling like crap.

I hate the way I never made a move. Looking back, it was so obvious.

I hate the way I silently resent your boyfriend for having such a perfect girl but not even realising how lucky he is.

I hate the way we can't talk now for longer than 5 sentences without it getting awkward.

Mainly

I hate the way you're so oblivious to this.

I hate all of this about you, but I dare not say anything.

Because for those minor seconds of the day where I see you sending me a goofy video of you on snap chat, a random text asking me what we have to do for class, the random flitter of eye contact we have and you smirk and leave me looking like a loved up fool.

For those random few seconds of the day or week, I'm beside my self with how we used to be. I'm reminded of a part of my life where I was legitimately happy, where I finally had someone who cared about me and would make the effort to text/talk to me on a daily basis and could tell something was wrong just by a text.

Basically, I'm reminded of a time where I wasn't miserable every.fucking.day. Where I put on a brave face day to day and pray I never get major news and break down and everyone see's just how much of a vulnerable, pathetic, useless person I am.

I hate you, but you don't know how much I still fucking love you.