Im in love with my best friend but I have a boyfriend

First things first, I love my boyfriend to death, and I would never, ever, ever cheat on him. We've been together for over a year now, and I can sincerely say that I deeply care about him. We don't share the same outlook and we may ague sometimes, but it's fine. There seems to be a small problem with us not being fully honest with each other, which kind of bugs me.

Then I have a best friend.

We've been friends for three years now. We share the same outlook, expect the same things from relationships, and we are completely comfortable with being fully honest with each other. He's witty, kind, and endlessly entertaining.

Due to timing conflicts, I've been spending more time with my best friend than my boyfriend, and for the past 6 (maybe 7) months, I have started to feel very drawn to my best friend. I dismissed it as a passing crush at first, but the fact I haven't been able to shake it off for 7 months is extremely annoying.

My boyfriend has expressed jealousy for my friend in the past, even going as far as saying shit like: "Well, why don't you go date {best friend} then, huh?" So a part of me knows he's slowly picking up on it.

I don't want to make my boyfriend miserable, he truly does not deserve it, but I don't want to walk out of my relationship for something like this.

Keep in mind, my best friend is 8 years older than me (I'm 20), so that's another thing that holds me back from pursuing anything further, as he said over a year ago that "I was too young for him". Despite this, we see eye to eye in many, many things, and we do seem to care deeply about each other.

Ideally, I would be able to shake off my feelings for my best friend. I would never act upon this as:

a) I adore my boyfriend despite our conflicts, though we've been growing apart lately.

b) I don't want to fuck up my best, most stable friendship.

TL;DR: I'm falling for my best friend, but I love my boyfriend too much to do anything about it. Also, I'm a pussy. Help.

Hey there, 

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years - we met abroad, then, after year or so, we moved back to my country and he found a job and some friends here.

Our relationship, on the other hand, started going downhill; We have common interests - except that he's social and likes to go out, while I am and do not... but he's very practical, down to earth and career and money are important to him, while I'm a typical dreamer: I couldn't care less about career and money, I want to do what makes me happy - in my free time as well as professionally - and I don't want to be faced with financial and bureaucratic issues very single day... I'm not saying that one approach is better or worse, that the other, I'm just saying, that we're different and we want different things.

We argue a lot and while I'm overly patient and careful with what I say, my boyfriend get very aggressive and overwhelming. Aggressive as in pushing his opinion into my face, not letting me talk, not listening to my point and not taking them into account...then, a few hours later, when he calms down, he acts like nothing's happened...Other time we're okay, he acts like he still loves me and wants me, he makes plans with me, yet we don't do 'romantic stuff' and don't talk about our thoughts and feelings much...

And, now that you have an idea of my ongoing relationship... I've met this guy on a long weekend with friends about a year ago and we 'zinged'. We're very similar, he's also calm, introverted, but very caring. We make each other feel special and good about ourselves. We message each other, we talk sometimes, but we don't push it. I know he likes me, and I know he knows that I like him, but we don't say it...because I have a boyfriend and I don't want to hurt him and while he knows the problems we have, the other guy respect it. 

But I can't stop thinking about him. At first I thought it was a crush or something I felt because my boyfriend and I had problems, but still, I think about him and when I see him, it's like...i'm just happy. I think I'm (falling) in love with him.

Yet, my boyfriend and I have been together for so long and we've been through so much...he's a kind of troubled person and I've been trying to help him and he's also been supporting me through a lot, even bad decisions. It feels kinda unfair even to just have feelings for someone else and thinking about being with someone else...

What the hell should I do?

Question: I am in love with my boyfriend but I am also attracted to my male best friend. I have been in a serious relationship with my partner for five years now and there is nothing to complain about. We go on dates, chat almost every day and even our families know about our relationship. Unfortunately, I have somehow got attracted to my male best friend. He is fun-loving and understands me really well. Now, I have started feeling guilty. How can I fall for someone else when I am already in a relationship? Also, confessing about my crush to my partner would do irreparable damage to our relationship. What should I do? – By Anonymous

Response by Ms. Rashi Ahuja: Thank you for reaching out to us. It’s very natural to get attracted to someone even while we are in a relationship. And in your case, this attraction may seem even stronger since the person in question here is your best friend with whom there’s not only a physical attraction but also a sense of emotional attraction.

However, I understand that you are feeling some amount of guilt since you are already in a stable and long-term relationship.

Most importantly, I would like to share with you that attraction is of two types- one is infatuation and the other is romantic attraction. While one is short-lived and high in passion, the other is more stable, long -term and based on multiple factors. Hence, we need to identify here whether what you are feeling is love or simple infatuation towards your best friend.

Secondly, I would also say that it is not unusual to reach a level of monotony in your current relationship. This could be possibly making you feel lack of spark in your current relationship.

Thus, I would like to recommend you to make a list of an ideal partner for yourself and do a pros-and-cons analysis of both the men and see who fits your needs more in the long-term.

Lastly, sharing your feelings about your best friend with your boyfriend may create some amount of insecurity and possibly, make him angry. Hence, I would suggest you to only share your feelings about this with your present boyfriend once you are very sure of what you are feeling.

- Ms. Rashi Ahuja is a Senior Psychologist at IWill by EpsyClinic

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