Few would disagree that parents have the most difficult job in the world. And the huge majority of parents are doing the very best they can for their children. As much empathy as I have for parents (being one myself), today I will be talking with all who are on the other side of the fence: those of you who are grown up now, and are feeling that your relationship with your parents is a problem in your life. There are indeed an infinite
amount of ways that a parent / child relationship can go wrong. Many are subtle or confusing, and can leave all parties feeling burdened or hurt. Especially if you know that your parents love you, you may end up baffled about your relationship with them, and wondering what is wrong. Here are some of the ways that adults struggle with their relationships with their parents:
How does this happen? Why does this relationship have to be so complicated? Why cant we just love our parents unconditionally? Of course, there can be endless different explanations for any of these problems. But for most people, the answer lies somewhere in the area of what psychologists call individuation. Individuation: The natural, healthy process of the child becoming increasingly separate from the parent by developing his or her own personality, interests, and life apart from the parent. Individuation usually starts around age 13, but can be as early as 11 or as late as 16. Behaviors we think of as teenage rebellion are actually attempts to separate. Talking back, breaking rules, disagreeing, refusing to spend time with the family; all are ways of saying, and feeling, Im me, and I make my own decisions. Individuation is indeed a delicate process, and it doesnt always go smoothly. When it doesnt, and also goes unresolved, it can create a stressful or painful relationship between parent and adult child. 4 Ways Individuation Can Go Awry:
When your adolescence gets off track in any of these ways, a price is paid by both you and your parents. Much later, when youre trying to live your adult life, you may sadly find yourself feeling burdened, pained, or held back by your parents. On top of that you might feel guilty for feeling that way. So now the big question. How do you know when you need some distance from your parents? To how many of the questions below do you answer yes?
If you answered yes to one or more these questions, and you also feel burdened by your relationship with your parents, it may be a sign that you need some distance to maximize your own personal growth and health. Yes, parenting truly is the hardest job in the world. But parents are meant to launch you, not limit you. If your individuation didn’t happen fully through your adolescence, you may need to work at separating from your parents now in order to have the healthy, strong, independent life that you are meant to live. So what does distancing mean when it comes to parents? It doesn’t mean moving farther away. It doesn’t mean being less kind or loving toward them. It doesn’t necessarily mean doing anything drastically different. In fact, distance can be achieved by changing yourself and your own internal response to what happens between you. I know this sounds difficult and complicated. So watch for a future blog on How to Get Healthy DistanceFrom Your Parents. Guilt is, for many, built in to the adult separation process, unfortunately. So separating from your parents may be no less painful now, as an adult, than it was when you were an adolescent. But the good news is, you are grown up. Youre developed. Youre stronger. Now you can better understand whats wrong. To learn more about the parent / child relationship and how it can go wrong emotionally, see EmotionalNeglect.com and the book, Running on Empty. Photo by snerkish Why do people distance themselves from family?People do not simply desire distance without reason. Research suggests that reasons are typically severe – abuse, neglect and substance issues, for example. Even if the family members disagree about what has happened or the state of their relationship, at least one person perceives the relationship as negative.
How do you politely distance yourself from a family?Avoid visiting them, talking to them on the phone, or attending family gatherings where they're present. Notice how you feel when your relative isn't an active part of your life. Distancing yourself can create a sense of guilt, especially if you've been in a codependent relationship with your relative.
Is it okay to distance yourself from parents?Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships. It's okay to limit contact with your parents. It's even okay to have no contact with your parents. You don't owe them anything!
Is it OK to distance yourself from toxic family?There's no right or wrong way to deal with toxic family members. Some people choose to cut off contact entirely. Others try to work with the situation by limiting contact with toxic family members and taking steps to protect their emotional well-being when they do see their family.
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