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the words i wish i said by caitlin kelly for you. ! warning: this book addresses a lot of controversial subjects, and touchy topics. so to the close minded people: there’s your warning. ! table of contents: author’s note …. 5 chapter 1: saving myself. …. 7 chapter 2: you will never know. …. 55 chapter 3: the darker pages. …. 170 chapter 4: realizations. …. 215 chapter 5: questions of this small world. …. 236 author’s note. when i wrote my first book, the words of a madman, i never felt like it was finished. i wanted to add more, i had so much more to add. and my friends just said, why not write another book? i feel like there’s so much in my mind, and so much poetry i’m constantly writing that i don’t think i’ll ever feel finished with simply one book. i’m sixteen years old. my book, the words of a madman was written mainly when i was fifteen and sixteen. these are the words i try to hold back from saying. these are the words that could break things when they are the happy days. these are my thoughts tracked down almost everyday. these are the words i wish i said. not just to one person, but in general. writing helps give me a voice, so these are the words i wish i could say, but i hold back. i’m living life on strings now. but the most beautiful words are the words you fear to say. the words you have trouble saying because you can feel them rather than voice them. the words that can’t quite fit under a specific word, because these words are felt rather than said. these, well, these are the words i wish i said. enjoy. - caitlin kelly chapter 1. saving myself this chapter is about saving yourself when no one else will. they can’t hear the demons taunting you in your head and they can’t feel your heart weeping through the silence. sometimes the princess in the tower doesn’t need a prince, sometimes the evil queen doesn’t trap her up there. sometimes she traps herself in the small, tall tower overlooking the gray skies. and sometimes they won’t hear her cry for help. this is the time where the little princess decides to save herself. sometimes she isn’t even a princess, she’s just a girl with a wandering mind. she can fight the demons herself and she can climb down herself. it takes time. but she can do it. this chapter is about saving yourself so no one else has to. i’m just taking my time learning how to fly. confidence is a nightmare to insecure men. the ghosts are back - my mental health he tried to fight for you but he didn’t fight hard enough he didn’t seem to sharpen his sword, instead he lost the battle and you were left in the castle you don’t need someone to save you from the tower just save yourself. 02.09.2018 use your words caitlin jealousy is a garment most worn under the layers of our soul because no one will ever admit when they’re jealous. i’m addicted to the feeling of adventure. who am i to you? i’m scared to love, it’s bad, i’m protecting myself so i’m so very sorry for you, trying to love someone broken like me. it’s not you it’s me. my imaginary friend would be happy to hear my adventures but it’s too bad he’s left a long time ago - adulthood in time you will be fine is it me? it can only get better from here - positive thoughts i’m really really good at lying i’ve been telling people “i’m fine” now for four years it must suck that life is so painful to the ones that try to enjoy it - dn#1 it’s like i’m sitting in a crowd of people on the bleachers, but i still feel like there’s no one there - empty they keep saying it will get better but when? being alone and feeling lonely are two different things she is blooming from the walls that she sits against no one else can feel her presence but i can see it - the wallflower something that’s sad is when you know someone’s falling in love with you but you’re sitting there afraid of falling for them because you’re not prepared to be hurt again. maybe i’m the madman the loudest silence is when everyone’s left you and you don’t know why - thoughts that haunt me god dammit why is my mind so full of thoughts irrelevant to this, my imagination is going wild and i’m trying to pay attention to my math homework. trying to please everyone, caitlin sticks and stones may break my bones but words will always hurt me stop la tristesse durera toujours it’s moments like this when you’re in complete solitude when you realize how lonely you really are - alone and lonely are two different things. it’s like i’m alone but i don’t want anyone i’ll push everyone away i can’t deal with anyone i can’t do it i don’t wanna be here maybe someone will just sit with me in complete silence and maybe i’ll be okay let me take care of myself before i promise to take care of you. bravery is when you ignore the demons taunting you in your head and you move on with your day. i’d love to see how you see me through your eyes. i feel numb, i can’t feel my emotions my body my heart, i act like it’s there like i’m fine but honestly my own brain is confusing me. they all ask me where do you see yourself in ten years? i honestly don’t know because a year ago i wouldn’t see myself here. reflect now. i can’t stand the judgmental looks they give me or the pity in their eyes just please stop worrying about me she jumped off the plank and dived in with the sharks little did they know a small weak girl like her had a heart and the sharks in the water were nothing compared to the ones swimming the the depths of her thoughts - she lived i’ll keep writing you poetry even when my hands can barely move and you can’t make out the handwriting if i “needed you” like you keep stating to everyone then how come i was alive way before you came in my life and i was able to smile before i was told i was beautiful - i was my soulmate before anyone else was i was an ocean full of depth and beauty but you were afraid of the sharks how did i stay alive if i didn’t even write? she’s so delicate but her love burns so hard she gets broken only trying to give all her love you give too much of yourself to them and they’ll end up wanting more, until you lose who you are. humming to love songs by myself i’m flying above watching all on the ground weep and i think, why be sad? there’s a whole world out there then i wake up and i’m the one weeping on the ground where the fuck are you peter pan? you said you’d come back for me. - first boy to lie i know what i need so stop telling me otherwise. spoiler alert: she still lived. chapter 2. you would never know. this chapter is the one that is the most painful to organize. this chapter is for the love poems. the ones you wish you could erase, but they were true. and they were written on these sad pages. sometimes you wish you could erase their face from your memories, because sometimes you think you’d be better off without their face replaying in your thoughts at night. but you don’t regret them, because when you look back on the memories you’re reminded that there’s someone that amazing out there. and maybe this time it didn’t work, but maybe one day you’ll find someone better for you. this is the chapter for the love poems you dread to look back on and refresh yourself on how much you miss them. and yes. you do miss them. and you’re allowed to say that, even if they don’t miss you. i can’t believe your cold hands can bring so much warmth to my heart. i’m shivering walking to my car and you force me to take your jacket and you put it upon me thank you, for actually caring and pushing through my stubbornness i can’t believe i met someone like you even after what i’ve been through. family can mean anyone you’re willing to fight for. you’re my family now. because we’d all do anything for you anything you need we’re always here for you. you had a house built out of bricks and cement that only ended up being abandoned he built me a house with his own hands out of sticks and mud that is full of more life than any other house on the road. - money isn’t everything. i fell in love with your mind and soul before i fell in love with what’s in your wallet and your pants. true. your heart is almost as empty as your promises. i’m not sure what love is cause my mind has fooled me before, but if this is what i think it is then, i’m in love with you with a tear he whispers goodbye and she sits there watching the spark leave his eye i wish i could freeze time and be in this moment with you all my life. society’s perspective on beauty isn’t even based on a person’s soul anymore it’s based on their large ass and tits. he loves me… (passion in eyes) he loves me not… (emptiness in words) he loves me… (drunken touch) he loves me not… (scattered texts) he loves me… (lips pressed) he loves me not… - the petals the nighttime is so silent i feel so calm just writing poems about you while you’re asleep what ever happened to you and me? betrayal. verb expose to danger by treacherously giving information to an enemy i hope you learned a lot of lessons from me but i bet you didn’t learn a thing. love letters on the floor oh i really wish you were knocking at my door roses are red violets are blue and i think i’m in love with you. even if you broke my heart into tiny little pieces, i’d still never talk shit about you. - there's none to say i’m confused you’re nice to me to my face you’re all sweet and lovely but as soon as i turn around it’s like you’re someone different talking to others about me. - two faced even after all that i can still look into your eyes and be unable to hold back a smile. i’ve tried everything i love even harder over and over just hoping that one day you will get off the top of my list but after all this, i’m not sure you’ll want me anymore. my feelings haven’t faded in fact they’ve grown it’s sad to know you’ve gone in a different direction je te veux toujours i’m not here cause i like you i’m just kissing you because you’re lips are convenient as his are not here - a rebound it hurts - when you’re taken for granted we both thought we were on the same page but it turns out we’re reading different stories it’s you it’s always been you it will always be you my imagination must be wild if i still think you’re coming back it’s really all about who’s the last one on your mind before you go to sleep. - it’s always you i can distract myself by watching movies i can distract myself by making films i can distract myself by listening to music or talking to new people or playing with my cats but what it really comes down to is what’s on my mind when i’m sitting all alone in my car and usually it’s you. we can’t skip the hard part because it’s gonna help us grow you deserve more than the kind words i write about you on paper you deserve the whole world wrapped in tissue and a bow for just breathing this air and being a glorious sight to see on this earth. love. the little cafe before we went to lay on the beach the tidepools where we adventured the place i call “lookout point” with my favorite view are all great places we’ve been but my favorite place is anywhere with you. i stare into space when i’m with you you ask me what i’m thinking i’ll smile and say nothing. let me let you in on a little secret. i’m thinking of you i’m in love with you and my anxiety is making it hard for me to admit i’m sorry you probably think something is wrong. but my mouth isn’t allowing those three words out of my mouth oh boy, it’s true i really do love you. everytime you say you love me it feels like the first time those words came out of your mouth. - it’s never too much 1.) what’s a break supposed to do? 2.) how long? 3.) do you even want me? 4.) is this a break or break up? 5.) do you think i’m the best for you? 6.) why? 7.) okay, i understand. sorry for bothering you - how i picture the conversation i’ve almost finished putting the puzzle together the only missing piece is you. 02.11.2018 i’m ready whenever you’re ready. i’ve set everything up perfectly for when you come back. but for some reason, there’s a voice in the back of my head, telling me you’ll never come back, and you’ll move on, i mean, after all, that’s what they all did. but hey, if it’s different, i’m ready for you. i’m always ready for you. timeless eternity. i’m writing so much about you, and i don’t ever want you to see it. because i know it’s not your fault and i know my words are harsh, it’s mostly the scenarios that are being made up in my head about you and i sure hope they don’t end up becoming true. what did i do? - let me know so i can fix it as soon as you show someone that you’d do anything for them then they may take that to their advantage. loving used to be so easy why is it so difficult now? but why do we need a break if it was all okay before? we’ll just end up exactly where we were. why do you still walk near me but act like i’m nothing you are so dull now i want to say something but my lips can’t make a sound. you turned right into the words you said you’d never be. i still want to be with you even though your feelings aren’t true. i like i really care i strongly appreciate i miss i really like i admire i want i love you. maybe i did something maybe you just realized maybe i hurt you maybe i’m the bad guy maybe you’re better off without me - maybes stranger -> close -> stranger i keep quietly thinking to myself i can’t wait to tell you about this but then i realize you left and i lost my bestfriend. love is more than just a four letter word. and you don’t realize you’re in love until it leaves you once again. space is when the relationship isn’t working space is when you’re tired of fighting space is when you both need time space is when you can’t heal together space isn’t what i need space is what you say you need i guess we weren’t on the same page. you fall in love like how you catch your breath, slowly then all at once, the only thing coming out of your mouth is complete and utter bullshit. oh honey. you keep falling for the boys that believe love is just a word. i wish i could stop writing about you but my words seem to sing their own tune you get over them like this- at first, you can’t. his name is repeated over and over inside your little brain, singing a tune to you. until your heart gets bored of the tune that only ends up breaking you. one day at a time, you get over them when you stop searching for them in a crowd. you get over them when every love song on the radio is just another song. you get over them when every place you went is just a new place to make memories in. one day at a time. you get over them slowly, you get over them by focusing on your friendships, you get over them by focusing on your family. you get over them by loving yourself. you get over them by yourself, not latching onto a new one. you get over them when you realize your worth is not another person. you think you’re over them, until you catch sight of them in a crowded starbucks or sometime in your day, and you can’t explain why it hurt you, you thought you were over them. until, you see them and all the memories you had flushed your head and you remember how much you miss them. one day at a time. you get over them by doing everything else you love hoping that their name will disappear from the top of that list. you get over them when you realize they left you for a reason, and maybe that reason means they won’t come back. ever. you get over them when you realize you both were reading different books but thought your page was the same. fill in the missing halves it’s like you’ve killed all the butterflies in my stomach but i still love you. - abuse just loving like i haven’t been hurt you can’t force or convince anyone to love you. they’ll figure it out themselves. relationships are like building a house together there are little fights big fights agreements happiness and when the house is finished that’s like marriage, after it’s done you both will make minor renovations or large ones and you’ll live in that house hopefully for the rest of your lives i love you - wow. i’m not mad i’m just hurt. when you smile my heart just fills up with joy my mind is so consumed of thoughts of you and me and what we could’ve been if you didn’t leave. “they always come back.” - just not this time i see why they call it falling in love because it’s hard to catch yourself past a certain point and once you fall it takes a fucking long time to pick yourself back up but when you’re in love you feel as if you’re flying soaring out of the cliff you fell down. you may have broke my heart, but of course i’m so messed up, i still want to show you i care. - i’ll never fucking learn i wanna cry with you but i can’t because if i was with you i wouldn’t be able to hold back a smile. i just have to be the stronger person and hold my own ground against all these threats you’re throwing at me you just make my lips form into this natural form and i don’t know how - smile you - the greatest single word poem above all, you’re the one i never want to lose. - but i still did you said you lost who you were with me. is that my fault? i want you to want me it’s always easier said than done, it’s easier to say you love someone yet turn your back on them in their time of need but it’s harder to love them and leave the remains of their name out of that wonderful brain i support you and any decision you make even if that means hurting me. i still love you. i never thought it would’ve ended this way or this fast. you and i were never meant to be even if we wanted to be please please don’t leave me they say that if it’s meant to be then they’ll come back, contrary i believe if they really loved you then they would never have left. love is when you run out of things to do, yet you never grow bored of one another - you grew bored leave me if that’s what you really want. - it could still work. every tear out of my eye has your name on it. i’ll pretend i don’t care because it seems to you like i’m not there please tell me it will all be okay to the boy i still love - i’m sorry 02.08.2018 we all mess up, we’re humans sometimes i feel like i mess up beyond the boundaries of stupidity all i know is that i follow my gut instinct and it doesn’t lead me in the best direction always… to the thought of me. sometimes i hope you see a clear blue sky and you remember my eyes lighting up for such a nice day. sometimes i wonder if you still remember my face in all the memories we had. sometimes i wish you were still here, but if you wanted to be then you would be. you chose to leave, oh well. not talking to me leads you nowhere sometimes i hope you put mayonnaise on your fries and your mind wanders true love is fighting through the hardest of situations - guess it wasn’t true to you. should of stuck with my gut instinct you always ask me what does the “look” mean? “the look” means i can’t believe someone as amazing as you is spending their time with someone like me “the look” means i look at you and can see you as the only person in the world “the look” is when i can’t describe in words how much i love you. how’d i end up so lonely again? don’t give up on me i could be what you need you’re a walking masterpiece so many constant thoughts in my mind constantly hurting me repeating the words you told it we’re sitting in a field of dandelions and grass just watching the time tick away and pass i keep on having this recurring dream, that i see you in the distance and naturally i start walking to you. and as i get closer and closer i make eye contact with you and i fall down, this deep hole… then i wake up. the last image in my head in the morning is you watching me fall so helplessly down this hole, screaming and shouting. and you watch my with no expression, and no sense to help me. - maybe it foreshadowed something? if it was easy to move on then it wouldn’t be love would it? i wrote you two love poems yesterday i wrapped them together, put a bow around them and i was going to hide them somewhere you’d find. the hope from yesterday made me so inspired, i thought i’d do something for you this morning was my first heartbreak you’ve given me, i say first because even in the slight chance you come back, i know i won’t refuse i need you even as a friend i don’t need time to myself please see that you can come back and hurt me all you want and what i know is i’ll never stop loving you - a tragedy this heartbreak is nothing like the others because this heartbreak is something that i know you wouldn’t have chosen. - sucks i just wanted to let you know, i’m always here for you, whenever you need me please just dm me, and i’ll answer, even if you just want to talk about your day or something silly i’m here for you and i’m not leaving anytime soon (unless you want me to) - i’ll never stop loving you “i’ll never hurt you” “i’ll never leave you” - top two biggest lies even if it’s not intentional i hate it. i hate still being in love with you i know it’s not your fault and i really do wish i was still in your arms but hey maybe one day it will work maybe time is what we need - optimism i’d still fight for you but i don’t know if you want me to i’d still do anything for you but i don’t know if you want me to black and white but that’s not life - the grey area do you ever love someone so much that you only want the best for them? then you come to the realization that maybe you aren’t the best for them. - most heartbreaking conclusion they say if you love something, then set it free but why has that made us both unhappy? now you’re just a stranger with all my secrets and dreams if something breaks your heart, then why do you keep watching? “because we’re hoping for a different outcome.” i thought i was okay until i saw your face i’m not the girl that a boy will chase from side of the world to the other. i’m not the girl that all the boys praise and describe her with words like “perfect”. i’m not the girl boys would wait a lifetime for. i’m not the girl you’d see in a romance movie that doesn’t have a sharp bone existing in their body. i’m not the girl they’ll follow all the way to the airport to say goodbye to. i’m not the girl they’ll stand outside the window with a radio for. i’m not the girl they’ll ever need. i’m just the girl they’ll waste their days with until the right one comes around. i’m just the girl they’ll leave when things get hard. i’m just the girl to pass their time. they say they’ll never leave you until they do even if they don’t want to they think they know what’s best for you - they don’t for the boy i still love, i've written more poetry about you and you wouldn't have a clue the fact that i still love you more than you ever knew. my heart isn't messed up by your thought but by the memories in my mind your face your touch your smile oh god that smile. the one i could stare at all night and all day i've never gotten over you because i've never felt the need to just the thought of you makes me sing a tune just a picture makes me smile even though it should make me die a little just you. the thought that we could still be what we once were just the hope in my eyes that one day i'll have you back. but what kills me is that i can't reserve you because you're not a library book or a table at a crowded restaurant and worst of all, you're not mine, anymore. "it wasn't us" i keep telling myself "it wasn't me" i keep telling myself "it was the timing" i keep telling myself yet my messed up mind will tell me that you could find someone to love you more that no matter how many times you told me i was perfect i knew you could find someone else i may love you more than words can describe and that won't ever let me stop thinking about you at night i've written so much poetry about you and you wouldn't have a clue. i thought you’d be my everything but you only left me with nothing. our hearts both broke different ways, sadly… now out broken pieces don’t fit together like a puzzle - we have to find our missing piece elsewhere. sorry if that was too much spoiler alert: as much as she wanted him she never needed him chapter 3. the darker pages. beware: this chapter is for the darker pages. the pages people don’t dare write about. these are the pages that make me different. because i’m not hiding them in the shadows anymore. i’ve written these but i’ve never shown them to a soul. this is the time i’m showing them. the best advice i’ve gotten is write about what you’re most scared to say. here’s what i’m scared to say. i’m scared about the people that will perceive me different after reading these. that will show their pity in their eyes. i don’t want your pity. these are the pages that no one talks about. a trigger warning: these pages may get too much at times, these pages are here to show you that these are real feelings and thoughts. if you are feelings suicidal please find help, or call the hotline. and please please understand that you are not alone. you’re never alone. even though out of the 7 billion on the planet you feel like you’re suffering in silence, you aren’t. enjoy the darker pages. national suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 entry: 02.07.18 one of the darker days i don’t think i’ve felt this alone for a while. i woke up this morning, three hours before my alarm, hoping, praying that nothing happened. that i would wake up on tuesday, february sixth and realize it was all just a nightmare. but it wasn’t. that was reality. i’m a stupid teenager. i may even be a slut, who knows? but why does my life have to follow a plan? why am i treated like a puppet? why am i not good enough in their eyes? my mind is common to overthinking.. my mind is prone to insanity. the cuts i lay upon my thigh and arms aren’t even a little pain that i’m feeling in my head. most times i wonder why i haven’t killed myself yet. i was so happy but now i’m so so very sad. i don’t think my happiness ever stays long, i don’t think it will ever stay long. the sadness always comes back to haunt our minds. the pain will never go away la tristesse durera toujours { the sadness lasts forever } sometimes i wonder why people look at death like it’s a tragedy. it’s not the tragedy, it’s everything leading up to it that is the tragedy. maybe we’re the bad guys i don’t know what hurts more my heart or my brain? - confusion take a gun to my head because i’d be better off dead. i wish i could take a knife and end my life. okay i’ve had my fun - suicide even the happiest of times are just false reality maybe if i just kill myself then you can stop worrying about me. hurts like hell. - missing you ; author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but they did not. let it sink in you know i was in love with you right? “and what changed?” nothing. to clarify why the last page was a single semicolon. a semicolon is when an maybe insanity is underrated. i’m strong you’ve never seen me weep even after all this and that’s because as soon as you walk away i’ll be weeping harder than you’ll ever know, but i’m strong enough to hold it in so it will never hurt you. let me eat enough food so i can drown in my sorrows taunt my corpse - they’ll never learn i’ll be okay just maybe not today grades are more important than my mentality and more until one day you’ll be nothing. i’m not perfect and i never will be 2:45 pm caitlin, stop opening up and trusting them, they end up breaking you more unrequited love is the one that fucks us all up. my hearts thrown in the gutter again. dragons are the boys that promise you everything but leave you with nothing i’m making promises to you and you won’t even see. that they’ll never see oh god, it’s hell being sixteen. i would die for you if you want me to i would fight for you if you want me to i would lie for you if you want me to but would that all be the same for you? broken hearted writing letters to boys it’s been four years and i still don’t want to be here all the words i wish i said. silently screaming. i just want him he’s the only thing on my mind even if i try to think of anything else my mind wanders back to the thought of him. i’m starting to think i’m going insane and to escape the thoughts of him are only if i blow my fucking brains out. twinkle twinkle little star let me get hit by a car jump off a roof and try to fly oh god i wish i could die twinkle twinkle little knife help me end this wretched life. don’t you fucking mind? i keep letting them hurt me and i’m doing nothing to stop it. you’re killing me with all the silence. i carve lines and act like i’m fine. how selfish would i be if i just decided to leave? why me? hey hey hey guess what i’m a human being too!! how i am i say i’m tired but they aren’t asking me what i’m tired of. sometimes i wonder who i am… well most times. i’ve become so accustomed to wearing masks around different people and faking a smile with so much pain… that, i ask myself: who? am? i? i have to take that step back, evaluate, and decide. what makes me… me? what qualities do i have? how do other perceive me? i end up getting to the conclusion to stop getting in my own head and being silly. to sit back and relax. but i’m one of the rare few that has so much trouble relaxing. my mind wanders…. i’m a dreamer they say. i think too in depth. oh well. they ask me undeveloped polaroids unspoken words untouched hearts unmarked maps unclear messages - path to a broken soul her smile shines bright because she doesn’t want anyone to see the pain under it she’s sick sick of all the lies sick of being let down sick of putting her all into something that just hurts her more she’s sick i’m sick of choosing which mask i’ll wear each day because i’m afraid of showing my true self to the ones who will try to take advantage of it. spoiler alert: she’s still alive. and sometimes, just sometimes… she lets out a smile. chapter 4. realizations. this chapter is about the realizations you make after an incident. when you thought everything was great until you look deeper into it. yes. these are some words i wish i didn’t write. but that’s what they are. you don’t ever want the harsh realizations, you always ...

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