What are the signs that you no longer love your partner?

Being madly, deeply in love is a magical feeling, which is why songs, books, and movies are often centered around the experience. But what about the opposite? It can be difficult to tell if you’re not in love anymore, and there’s no clear roadmap for navigating things when you feel like this might be happening to you.

Maybe you’re going through a rough patch and your relationship feels rocky, or perhaps you’re transitioning out of the honeymoon phase. Either way, you’re going to be experiencing a lot of emotions, and it can be tough to tell if you’re just encountering growing pains or if the love is truly over. It can be painful to suss out how you’re feeling — you might still love your partner as a person, but aren’t in love with them anymore, which is all the more confusing.

But according to Rachel Wright, licensed psychotherapist and sexual wellness expert at We-Vibe, falling out of love isn’t an accident — it’s a choice. You’re in the relationship intentionally, so you get to make the decision to either work to improve your relationship or opt out. That’s not to say one decision is better than another (sometimes breaking up really is the best thing), but it’s up to you to decide how to move forward.

Before you call it quits, remember that it’s normal to experience some ups and downs in a relationship, adds Liz Keeney, LPC, psychotherapist and owner of Inspired Talk Therapy. “It is completely normal for couples to have a ‘winter’ season once in a while and really get on each other’s nerves,” she tells Bustle.

But sometimes it’s really just not working anymore. To help you figure things out, Bustle asked relationship experts how to gauge your feelings if you keep having to ask yourself, “Am I still in love?” Here are some signs you might not be.

1. You Start Daydreaming About Dating Other People

While it’s one thing to notice an attractive person, if you have full-on wandering eye syndrome, you may soon be wandering out of the relationship. Perhaps you just can’t stop checking out other people, or maybe you downloaded Tinder or Bumble “just to take a look.” Regardless of the form your wandering eye takes, these aren’t signals to ignore, says licensed therapist Rachel Elder. It’s common to take a “grass is always greener” approach to thinking about your relationship when you’d rather not be in it, she explains.

Of course, non-monogamy can be a great option for couples who agree and consent to it, but there’s a difference between wanting to date within your current relationship and just full-on wanting to replace your current partner. If you're constantly wondering whether your life would be better with someone else, Elder says there’s likely a reason for that.

2. The Butterflies Are Gone

You can’t expect yourself to be head-over-heels in love every single day, especially once your relationship has progressed beyond the honeymoon stage. But if you don’t feel any form of excitement for your partner, take note, says Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and dating expert at Double Trust Dating.

All relationships require maintenance, so you may need to try a little harder to keep things fun and interesting by setting aside quality time, trying new things together, or even changing up your sex life. But if you’ve made a concerted effort to reignite a lost spark and still don’t feel butterflies, you may not be romantically in love anymore.

3. Your Sex Life Has Gotten Stale

It’s normal for your sex life to ebb and flow or for you to have different sexual preferences than your partner, says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D. It can happen for all sorts of reasons: stress, physical health, or shifting relationship dynamics. But if you’ve completely lost interest and there seems to be no real explanation, it could be a sign that love has left the building. “Without sexual activity, the relationship is largely just a friendship or roommate situation,” says Bennett.

A good litmus test for whether your inactive sex life is the product of a loss of interest in your partner? Ask yourself if you even want that spark back, suggests licensed counselor Nawal Alomari. If so, that’s something you can work on together to improve your relationship in the long run. If not, that might mean you’re not as romantically invested in the relationship as you once were.

It also helps to know your own sexual baseline, adds Wright, because having a healthy sexual relationship with yourself can help you determine what’s missing and why. “How do I take care of myself sexually? What is my relationship to sex? Start there and reconnect with that first,” she tells Bustle. “Then look at the relationship and see where things are not aligning with what you want and what you’re practicing.”

4. You’re No Longer Best Friends

It’s natural for your lover to become your BFF. “Being each other’s best friends has many benefits — from greater relationship satisfaction [to] more commitment [and] better sexual satisfaction,” Anita Chlipala, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love, tells Bustle. When you’re in a relationship with your best friend, you turn to them for support, tell them everything, and share a super special bond. “So, if you no longer feel like you can (or want to) turn to your partner, it might signal a disconnect,” Chlipala says. “Couples can focus on their friendship and see if that helps, but if it doesn’t, it might be time to call it quits.”

5. Their Cute Habits No Longer Seem Cute

Love can be blinding, especially at first. Those quirks and eccentricities you used to love in your partner might now annoy you to no end. While some of this is normal as you grow more comfortable with one another, Keeney says it can also drive you to cast your relationship in a negative light. Instead of viewing common mishaps as funny, she says you might feel angry, frustrated, and resentful instead.

“When a couple is in love, they remember their last road trip when the car broke down as an adventure,” Keeney tells Bustle. “When a couple is struggling, they re-tell the same story with anger and hostility or blame towards one another.”

6. It Feels Like Something’s Missing In The Relationship

Losing romantic interest in your partner can be confusing, which is why you might be constantly wondering, “Do I still love him or her?” Sometimes your only clue is a nagging sense that something is missing, says O’Reilly. There may be a lack of connection with your partner, or perhaps you don’t feel fully invested in one another’s lives. But even if you can’t put your finger on a specific problem, that seed of doubt is reason enough to call your romance into question. O’Reilly emphasizes that you don’t need a “real” reason to break up — after all, staying in a couple without having your heart in it won’t do you or your partner any favors.

7. You Don’t Want To Put In The Effort

Whether your sex life is lacking or you don’t spend enough time together, there are plenty of reasons your relationship can lose its luster. Luckily, most of those issues can be addressed if you both put your minds to it, says Alomari. But if you have no desire to put in that effort, she says that’s a sure sign that your heart isn’t in the relationship anymore.

According to Chlipala, couples in this situation should ask themselves, “Do I not want to put in the effort, or do I think once my partner changes, everything will be better?” Chlipala tells Bustle that couples can get stuck because they’re waiting for the other person to change. “One partner may also be holding onto resentment, and that can prevent them from putting in the effort — they may feel like they’ve already contributed so much to the relationship, and so [they] want to see effort from their partner,” she says. “First, get to the root cause of why you don’t want to put in the effort and see if anything can be done about that. But if you truly refuse to put in any work to see if your relationship will improve, it might be better to call it quits.”

8. The Attraction Is Gone

Chlipala says losing attraction goes hand-in-hand with a lack of effort. “If you’re not attracted to your partner, it may be because you’re not attentive or responsive to them — or just no longer want to be,” she explains. “The less you emotionally invest into your relationship, the less attraction you will feel toward your partner.”

When you’re madly in love, it doesn’t matter what your partner looks like. You’ll still cozy up to each other when you haven’t showered, when you’re in a bad mood, and even when you’re sick. But if you no longer want to devote that time and affection to your partner, that can be a giveaway that the attraction is gone, says Bennett. It’s normal to not always be lusting after your partner. But if you have no desire to put in the work to reignite that attraction, Alomari says it may be time to go your separate ways.

9. You Wouldn’t Mind Not Seeing Them Again

It may sound extreme, but one way to determine whether or not you’re still into your SO is to imagine how you would feel if they were about to move away and you’d never see them again. “This is one of the reasons why couples do a trial separation or take a break—they want to see if they miss each other,” Chlipala tells Bustle. “Sometimes fear of the unknown can keep a couple complacent in a relationship that just isn’t working anymore. But if you consistently find that you dread when your partner returns home and feel more at peace when you’re both spending time away from each other, that may be a sign that your relationship isn’t working after all.”

If there’s a part of you that feels relieved by the hypothetical of not seeing your partner again, that might mean you want out of the relationship, says Alomari. But if the thought of them leaving is devastating, that’s a sign there’s still love there, even if you don’t feel as passionately towards them as you have in the past.

10. You Don’t Like Who You’ve Become

Sometimes it’s best to focus less on how you feel about your partner and more on how you feel about yourself, says O’Reilly. If you notice your feelings shifting but aren’t sure what to make of it, she recommends checking in with who you are when you’re with your SO. Do they bring out the best sides of you? Or do you hardly recognize yourself when you’re around them? If the latter, that could be a sign that you feel unfulfilled by the relationship.

“We’ve been taught that we’re not deserving of love,” O’Reilly explains. “So, when someone shows up and likes us, that [feels] good enough.” But one-sided admiration isn’t enough to make it work: You have to love yourself, too.

11. You Want To Transition Your Relationship

Just like your feelings about your partner can change over time, your relationship preferences can also shift, says Wright. Maybe you still really want your significant other to be a big part of your life, but as a friend instead of a lover or a more casual partner instead of a committed companion. Whatever the goal, Wright says to communicate this with your partner to see if they’re feeling the same way so you can figure out how to move forward together. If you’re interested in exploring non-monogamy, that doesn’t mean you’re opting out of your relationship, but it does mean it’s something you should be able to openly discuss with your partner.

“In our monogamous black-and-white society, if we're not in romance with someone, then we don’t talk [after a breakup],” Wright tells Bustle. “But if that’s your best friend, you wouldn’t just say, ‘I’m never going to talk to you again.’ What you can do instead is recast the person.” Of course, both halves of the couple should consent to this transition, whatever it may be. But if you find yourself craving a different kind of relationship with your romantic partner, it’s worth digging deeper to find out why and how.

12. You’re No Longer Open To A Long-Term Relationship

It’s natural for romantic love to change with time, so if your relationship feels less spicy than it used to, Alomari says that’s not always a bad sign. But if you lose the desire to commit long-term (or never had it in the first place), that could be a signal that you’re not really feeling your person. Maybe you’d rather date just to have fun, or perhaps you’d prefer to be single altogether. Either way, if you don’t feel a strong urge to give this person an important place in your life, then the love might be gone.

However, Chlipala points out that this doesn’t necessarily ring true for everyone, as people with avoidant attachment can be “notorious for not wanting long-term commitment.” If you changed your mind about wanting a long-term commitment, Chlipala says, you should be able to articulate why and make sure your partner is on the same page.

13. You No Longer Argue

Yep, seems completely backward. Fighting with your partner is never a good thing, right? Actually, there are a number of ways arguing can be surprisingly good for your relationship. “Despite the common belief that arguing is bad for a relationship, it’s actually not,” Chlipala tells Bustle. Arguing and putting in effort to work through disagreements is actually a sign that you both still care. “A relationship is in real trouble when there’s indifference,” she says. “You’ve given up fighting for what you want and no longer care what your partner says or does.” If you can’t be bothered to communicate with your partner anymore, it could be a sign you’ve lost those feelings to a point where it’s just that — you no longer care.

14. You Have Developed Beyond Your Partner And They’re Unwilling To Grow

When you’re in a long-term relationship, growth and change by both parties is expected. What does cause issues in a relationship is when you develop in different directions or one person is unwilling to grow with the other. “I have worked with clients who have taken on the meaningful journey of growing and healing their relational wounds to become better in their adult relationships,” says Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling. “The pain point is when their partner is not down to do their own growth,” she tells Bustle. “This really can lead to a trajectory where you are moving beyond your partner and don't see a way to remain in a relationship with someone not willing to look at themselves, become better, and learn about their own attachment needs and tendencies.”

Experts:

Nawal Alomari, LCPC, licensed clinical professional counselor and life coach based in Chicago

Jonathan Bennett, certified counselor and dating expert at Double Trust Dating

Rachel Elder, LMHC, licensed mental health therapist

Liz Keeney, LPC, psychotherapist and owner of Inspired Talk Therapy

Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and ambassador for sexual wellness and sex toy brands We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Arcwave

Rachel Wright, licensed psychotherapist and sexual wellness expert at We-Vibe

Anita Chlipala, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist and author of First Comes Us: The Busy Couple’s Guide to Lasting Love

Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling

This article was originally published on March 8, 2015