Which process is described when the parent comes to love and accept a child?

Despite wanting to be a supportive parent to your child, you may feel like you’ve just had the door closed in your face and you’ve got it all wrong. Your relationship will be changing and starting to become more equal as they grow up and you spend more time apart. This doesn’t mean you can’t stay connected and provide the support they need as they go through this process of becoming a whole new person, an adult.

This can help if you:

• want to understand why your child needs you to be supportive
• want to learn more about ways to support your child through their teenage years.

What is supportive parenting?

Being a supportive parent means having your child’s best interests at heart but also being present, involved and helpful. It includes:

• actively encouraging them to do their best with school, their hobbies and interests
• listening without judgment and seeking to understand their concerns and challenges
• acknowledging their achievements and supporting them through mistakes and challenges
• setting consistent expectations and consequences to help them to feel secure and able to predict outcomes
• treating them fairly and developing a trusting relationship.

Why is having a supportive parent so important for teenagers?

The influence that you have over your child is more dependent on a trusting relationship than it is on how much authority you dish out and how many lectures you give. It may feel like they’re trying to push you away, but they’re actually trying to push themselves away from you to choose a direction in life, and to shape an identity for themselves as a separate, independent person. 

Love, support, trust and optimism from their family make them feel safe and secure, and are powerful weapons against peer pressure, life’s challenges and disappointments.

Tips and tricks for supportive parents

Your aim is to keep your child safe and to give them the foundations they need to do their best. At a minimum they need:

• to know they are loved for who they are, and that you are always there to support them
• an environment where basic needs such as a safe and healthy place to live, healthy food, and school supplies are made a priority
• protection and support to keep themselves safe from mental and physical abuse
• respect for their feelings and concerns
• acknowledgement of their milestones and achievements such as birthdays or first day at school
• respect for their friends, clothing, sports and music choices, and interests.

Some parents struggle to adjust to the demands that parenting their child through the teenage years brings. It’s a time that can put even the strongest and most loving relationships to the test. Your child needs you at this time just as much as they have always needed you, but in a different way.

They are looking to you for support through one of the biggest changes in their life, towards adulthood and independence. You’ve been through it so you know how confusing and difficult it can be. Don’t be afraid to share some of your own teenage experiences with your child. Tell them that you understand because it happened to you too. Talk to them about how you handled it (or didn’t handle it) and what you learnt from it. Realising that everyone goes through the same struggles can be very reassuring to your child, especially if it’s their parent that is telling their stories.

Your child is becoming an independent person. They need a firm foundation of values and expectations that can guide them now, and carry them into adult life. Decide what’s important to your family and how you’ll share those expectations and values with your child. That way they’ll have the knowledge to help them navigate life on their own and make decisions that fit with what the family values.

There’s no doubt that the teenage years will probably cause you some worry and frustration. There may be times when you feel as if you don’t know your child, or are disappointed by some of their choices. Try to be as loving and supportive as you can through all of their trials, no matter how small they are. If you can do this, they’re more likely to rely on you, share their struggles and come to you when they need help.

Be there for them in the way that you would have wanted your parent to be there for you when you were growing up.

Find out more and get some tips on how to be a supportive parent.

Children’s relationships shape the way they see the world and affect all areas of their development. Through relationships with parents, other family members and carers, children learn about their world.

That’s because relationships let children express themselves – a cry, a laugh, a question – and get something back – a cuddle, a smile, an answer. What children ‘get back’ gives them very important information about what the world is like and how to act in the world – how to think, understand, communicate, behave, show emotions and develop social skills.

For example, when your baby babbles and you respond in a warm, loving and gentle way, you’re helping your baby learn about communication, behaviour and emotions.

When you respond, you’re also making your child feel safe and secure, and building a strong relationship between the two of you. And when your child feels safe and attached to you, your child is more likely to have the confidence to explore their world.

Exploring the world gives your child new experiences. Your child needs the stimulation of these experiences to learn how to think, communicate, react and socialise. The more experiences your child has with you there to support them, the more your child grows and thrives.

Your relationships with others

It’s not just the relationship between you and your child that shapes development. It’s also your relationships with others.

The way you behave and communicate with other people – for example, your partner, family members, friends and carers – shows your child how to be and behave with others.

It also shows your child how other people will behave in return. If your child sees kind and respectful relationships around them, your child learns to be kind and respectful with others.

Why play is important for development and relationships

In the early years, your child’s main way of learning and developing is through play.

Play is fun for your child. It also gives your child an opportunity to explore, observe, experiment, solve problems and sometimes make mistakes.

Your relationship helps your child get the most out of play. That’s because your encouragement gives your child confidence to explore, experiment and make mistakes. Lots of time spent playing, talking, listening and interacting with you also helps your child learn key life skills, like communicating, thinking, solving problems, moving and being with other children and grown-ups.

And when you play with your child, it builds your relationship. Spending time playing together sends your child a simple message – you’re important to me. This message helps your child learn about who they are and where they fit in the world.

Play and relationships in action: the peekaboo example

A simple game of peekaboo is a great example of how relationships, play and time together help with all areas of child development.

When you play peekaboo with your baby, you hide your face behind your hands and pop out again. Your baby probably reaches out to you, giggles and smiles. Your baby’s saying, ‘Keep playing – this is fun!’ You keep going, and your baby is happy. But after a while, your baby might look away. That’s your baby’s way of saying, ‘Enough play for now’. You know it’s time to take a break.

This peekaboo example shows that your baby wants to play with you, which means your baby is attached to you. And attachment is a sign of healthy social and emotional development.

Also, when your baby squeals and reaches out to you to say, ‘Let’s play!’, this shows your baby developing language and gross motor skills. And when you respond, it encourages your baby to keep communicating with you.

Peekaboo helps with your baby’s thinking too. Your baby learns about what comes next when you disappear and then reappear.

And when you respond to your baby’s cues for more play or for a break, your baby understands that they can trust you. This helps your baby to feel safe, loved and secure.

Relationships: benefits for life

Warm and loving interactions between you and your child develop your child’s confidence, resilience and communication. Your child needs these skills later in life for working through problems, dealing with stress and forming healthy relationships with other people in adolescence and adulthood.

Strong attachments and relationships early in life also mean your child is more likely to have better mental health and fewer behaviour problems later.

By building a warm, positive and responsive relationship with your child now, you’re helping shape the adult your child will become and giving your child a strong foundation for the rest of their life.

Even though you are separating, both parents are the most important people in your child’s (or children’s) life. When there are no safety or risk issues, the best arrangements for the future are those where:

• your child continues to have a loving and meaningful relationship with both parents and other family members
• both parents continue to share responsibility for the child, and
• your child lives in a safe environment, with no violence or abuse.

Parental separation can be a stressful time for a child. How they react to separation and divorce often depends on their age, temperament and the level of cooperation or conflict between their parents. They may experience a range of emotions which are difficult for them to deal with. If you or your child are feeling stressed following separation, see the publication Separation and stress.

Children from separated families can develop and flourish just as well as children from families that are still together, especially if they are supported and encouraged to maintain a positive relationship with both parents and other significant people in their lives, like grandparents and other relatives.

The Marriage, families and separation brochure provides information for people considering, or those affected by, separation or divorce.

What does a child need?

A child needs the continuing care and support of both parents, where possible. They will worry less if you can agree about what is going to happen and explain why to them. You both should:

• reassure your child that you still love them
• remember that accepting, and dealing with, the separation will enable you to better assist your child to do the same
• allow your child the right to love both of you – don't make them choose
• tell your child that they are not to blame, and help them to discuss their feelings – they often blame themselves, especially when parents fight about them, or things they have done
• listen sympathetically to your child’s feelings and opinions without judgment
• talk with the other parent about issues relating to your child
• make sure your child doesn’t hear or see you fighting
• keep your child out of your arguments with or about the other parent
• be positive about the other parent when talking to your child
• turn to other adults for emotional support, rather than to your child
• talk with your child's teachers so they understand the situation, and
• keep your focus on your child's wellbeing, rather than on what is 'fair' for you.

There is more information about how conflict between parents and family violence can effect children in the fact sheets Parental conflict and its effect on children and The impact of family violence on children.

What do you need to consider when making parenting arrangements for your child?

Every family is different, so the arrangements that work for your family may be different from other families. Try to make arrangements that will work the best for your child.

When making arrangements for your child, you will need to consider:

• the age of the child which is very important in deciding what arrangements will work
• establishing a regular routine so the child knows the routine and what to expect when, but also being flexible when required
• giving plenty of notice if you wish to change the routine, for example, for special family occasions
• whether it is reasonably practical for the child to spend equal time or substantial and significant time with each parent (substantial and significant time includes weekends, school holidays and days other than those)
• how their time will be spent with other significant persons in their lives, such as grandparents and other relatives
• who will look after them after school and where will they spend holidays
• any other things such as choice of school, health care, sport, or religious matters, and
• how to ensure the child continues to enjoy their culture.

If it is safe to do so, it is generally best if you can reach your own agreement with your former spouse or partner.

Making your own agreement is often best for your child, you and your former partner. It will save you both money, time and stress. For more information about ways you may be able to reach an agreement without the need for court action, see Separate smarter.

There are three main ways you can make arrangements for your child after separation:

1. informal arrangements
2. parenting plans, and
3. parenting orders, including by consent.

What sort of parenting arrangement you make may depend on how you and your former partner come to the agreement.

TIP: Divorce is a completely separate process to parenting proceedings.

The law relating to children and their best interests

Part VII of the Family Law Act 1975 gives the Court power to make orders for the care and welfare about children in Australia (except Western Australia). Orders about children are commonly referred to parenting orders, even though they can apply to a person who is not a parent of the child the proceedings relate to.

When determining any dispute about children (including about with whom a child should live and/or spend time, who should make decisions about a child, and matters like where child should go to school or whether a child should have a medical procedure), the Court must regard the best interests of the child as its paramount consideration. The Family Law Act 1975, provides guidance as to how the Court determines a child’s best interests, but the Court has discretion to consider anything it thinks relevant in determining those best interests.

The ‘primary considerations’ for determining a child’s best interests, to which the Court is required to give the greatest weight, are the benefit to the child of having a meaningful relationship with both of their parents, and the need to protect the child from physical or psychological harm from being subjected to, or exposed to, abuse, neglect or family violence. In balancing those primary considerations, the Court must give greater consideration to protecting the child from harm (see section 60CC(2) and 60CC(2A) of the Family Law Act 1975).

Can the Court make orders about my child?

The Court generally has jurisdiction to make orders for the care and welfare of children in all states and territories except Western Australia (where the Family Court of Western Australia has jurisdiction).

If your child is in care under a child welfare law of a state or territory, the Court cannot make a parenting order about them, except with the consent of the relevant child welfare authority. This applies even if your child comes into care under a child welfare law after you already have proceedings in the Court about your child.

Other considerations in parenting matters

Each family is different and their needs are unique. If any of the following apply to your situation please see the additional information:

• If you are not a child’s parent but you are a person concerned with the care, welfare and development of a child, or you are a grandparent of a child, see Grandparents and others.
• If you want to change your parenting orders or current arrangements, see Changing parenting arrangements.
• If you believe your application for a parenting order is urgent see, My application is urgent.
• If you have a current parenting order that you believe has been breached or not complied with, see Compliance and enforcement.
• If your child normally lives with you and hasn’t been returned to you, or is missing, you can apply for orders to help you to find your child, see Recovery orders.
• If your child has relocated without your agreement, have been taken overseas without your permission, or without the authorisation of a court or has not been returned (as agreed) from overseas, see Relocation, travel and the Hague Convention.
• If you have applied to the Court for a parenting order in some circumstances, the Court may appoint an Independent Children’s Lawyer to represent your child, see Independent Children’s Lawyer.

Safety, risk and family violence

If you are in immediate danger call 000

The Court takes family violence very seriously. See How the Court considers safety and risk for more information.

If you or your child is affected by family violence and safety concerns there are a number of organisations that provide advice and support. See Family Violence: Get help and support.

If you have any concerns about your safety while attending court, you must let the Court know. See Safety at court for more information about safety plans and what the Court can do.

Legal advice

You are not required to be represented by a lawyer, or to seek legal advice, before entering into consent orders or applying to the Court, or if you have been served with an application. However, family law is complex, and getting legal advice will help you to better understand your rights and responsibilities.

For information on how to get legal advice, see Find a lawyer and Support services.

Practice directions

Practice directions are procedural guidelines issued by the Court. They complement legislation, rules and regulations. They provide specific direction about the practice and procedure that must be followed in certain types of proceedings.

Practice directions are issued by the Chief Justice/Chief Judge upon advice of judges of the Court, pursuant to the Court’s inherent power to control its own processes, as well as the power under the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia Act 2021 for the Court to give directions about the practice and procedure to be followed in a proceeding.

In general, practice directions are issued to:

• complement particular legislative provisions or rules of court
• set out more detailed procedures for particular types of proceedings, and
• notify parties and their lawyers of matters which require their attention.

Below are links to the practice directions that apply to this area of law: