My best friend is in love with me

**My absolute best friend in the world is (what I thought was) a platonic male friend. We've been best mates for years, we get on like a house on fire and are as inseparable as siblings. **

**I do not and cannot fancy him, and I definitely don't want to have sex with him. **

**People love to say 'One day you'll realise you're actually madly in love with each other', simply because we're both straight and of the opposite sex. That annoys me so much because they're basically debasing the fact that a male and a female can have an important meaningful connection. However, he’s recently announced he’s in love with me. **

Everyone's so quick to shout 'friendzone' which pisses me off for the aforementioned reasons, but I've made it purposefully clear over the years what my stance is.

But now we can't function normally as friends any more. He analyses even the most throwaway things I say and holds me to them as if it was a secret message, he gets really upset by the smallest of things and this stifling atmosphere lingers under everything we do, exploding into arguments every week or so.

I've offered to 'take a break' from living in each others pockets 24/7 so he can have some space to work this out, but what do you do when the person who is the problem, and the person you'd go to with your problems are the same person? I can't lose him yet I won't let him have me, so... where is that going to leave us? I just don't know how I can fix this when I'm the problem.

This is a heartbreaking, challenging question - not least because you already know all the answers. Your friendship has changed irrevocably for reasons entirely outside your control. You know that the only way to fix things, if they can be fixed, is with distance and time. You’re not being supported by the people around you, with their talk of the ‘friendzone’. You’re right - the fact that you’re a straight woman and he’s a straight man is completely irrelevant to your relationship. Your friends (and his friends) probably truly believe they have your best interests at heart.

Being loved is rare, special and sought after. From the outside, people see it as a superpower - the unbeatable Top Trumps card where everything’s a ten. Also, there’s a lingering tendency to think that being with anyone is better than being single. If you were to get with your friend, the will they / won’t they narrative is neatly tied up, the credits can roll and you now come as a handy, even numbered unit that makes dinner parties more convenient for everyone.

The trouble is that being loved isn’t the same as being understood, and your friend is not doing a good job of understanding you right now. He’s changed the terms of your relationship. And I’m sure he hasn’t done it on purpose, or to hurt you, but he’s lied a little bit. Assuming that it wasn’t like bad teenage poetry and the love didn’t suddenly hit him like a thunderbolt, he’s been nurturing these feelings for a while, getting something from your interactions that you never agreed to give him, and taking advantage of the fact that you feel completely comfortable around him, when you possibly wouldn’t have felt quite so comfortable if you knew he was silently yearning for you.

In any other situation, if your best friend was crazy in love with a girl who just didn’t like him in that way, your heart would go out to him, you’d be filled with compassion and you’d want to do whatever it took to make him feel better. Because that’s what friendship is.

The fact that you know exactly how you feel, and you’re not letting the pressure to get together get to you, makes me think this relationship can be saved. Many couples wreck a perfectly good friendship by ignoring their gut instinct and having a go, only for everything to end in disaster. However, you definitely need a break from each other, and it’s very smart of you to have instigated it already. You’re right - it’s not fair on you to be deprived of your best friend. But it’s fairer than being subjected to the atmosphere he’s creating, in which he can’t deal with his feelings effectively.

Unfortunately you can’t support each other through this, no matter how badly you want to. You both need to find alternative networks of friends, and give yourselves time to mourn. He’s grieving over a cherished fantasy that can never be, and you’re recovering from the death of that particular friendship. Because I think that you will be able to reenter each other’s lives, but your relationship will be very different. I think the hardest thing to deal with will be the time frame. You know exactly what’s wrong, and what you need to do, but the most difficult part will be waiting it out.

Be upfront with your other friends about how you feel. You’ve been betrayed and you need time alone, time to talk and time to be distracted. You’re dealing with an emotional injury and you need to wait for it to heal by keeping the wound cleaned and aired. All you have to do is fight the urge to help your friend, or to ask him for help. It’s like having a drink to get over a hangover - instantly effective in the short term but very bad for future you.

Ultimately, it’s down to your friend to decide whether or not he wants to be in your life on terms that you both agree on. You can trust him to make the right decision. If he learns to let his feelings fade and can maintain the friendship in the future, he’s mature enough to understand what being a good friend is. If he can’t get past his own romantic fantasy, and throws the relationship away because he can’t have what he wants, he simply isn’t good enough for you. But you sound strong and sorted enough to be a magnet for future friends, and I’m sure your wise attitude will lead you to new friendships and people who can help you through this.

Wishing you lots of love and luck,

1. 1

   Attempt to become their best friend. Don't just be any other friend: become someone that they couldn't live without, someone who listens to all their problems and always helps out when times get hard. You need to establish a connection like no other, something that neither of you could live without. If they trust you, they'll be more likely to give you chance when it comes to love. However, it's important to be genuine with your friendship—it's icky to befriend someone just so they'll date you.

   • Open up. Tell your crush more about yourself: your dreams, wishes, and sorrows. It's possible for love to grow where there previously wasn't any, but they have to think of you as a person with real goals, successes, and problems instead of just a friend. The more they're able to see parts of you that others don't see, the better off you'll be.[1]
   • Make the person feel special. Let them know that they are someone's friend—your friend—and that you value them in a unique way.[2] Compliment them for their company and for being there when you needed them, times when you felt sad and all alone. Show appreciation for the comfort the person offers you and for making you smile. Always dream with them, build with them, cheer them on, and encourage them.[3]

2. 2

   Give them a hint. Before you two get too close and pass the "I love you as a friend" line or become too much of a sibling-type figure, you need to give them hints that you might like them as more than a friend. Try simple harmless flirts, comments, or something that would make them tell you that you're sweet, but also make them think a moment longer about the comment and wonder if there is another deeper meaning to it all.[4]

   • This is very tough to do with words, because you don't want to make them think you're friends just in order to get in a relationship. In the beginning, stick to flirting with your body. Don't pass up that chance to sit shoulder-to-shoulder with them or brush your hand against theirs. Look them in the eye, and smile a lot.[5]
   • Gradually move on to flirting with words. Tell her how much you admire her. Tell her how special she is to you. Tell her she makes your day easier to get through. But remember, a little hinting goes a long, long way! If you're gushing to her every twenty minutes, she could begin to feel uncomfortable as friends and start to distance herself from you.

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3. 3

   Be a shoulder to lean on. Be someone they can always turn to for reliable advice. If you're there when times get rough, they'll look at you like a problem-solver and trust you more. You'll also be someone they feels safe and secure around.[6]

4. 4

   Do not give up too easily. When you notice hints coming from their end, you know you're getting somewhere. If your hints haven't really gotten through, however, try not to be so subtle. Being more obvious can be helpful because some people are used to being flirted with by their friends and acquaintances.

   • Get your crush one-on-one. This one's important. If you never see them when it's just the two of you, work toward that goal. The trick is to make it not look like a date when you ask them, but feel like a date when they get there. For instance, you might say you're in Starbucks studying and you want an awesome friend to distract you from your work instead of "Hey, do you wanna get coffee later on, just you and me?"
   • Make them a mix-tape of your favorite music. The music you listen to can show a whole other side of you, so it's a great way to help your crush understand you better. It also sends her a subtle message that you enjoy sharing personal things with her. Be sure to include music that you think she might like. You could be setting yourself up for a fall if she only listens to Beethoven and you give her Metallica. After you give her your mix, ask her to make one for you.

5. 5

   Play hard to get.[7] Try backing off a little. This can be important because it lets your crush know what they're missing when they don't see you. It might make your friend think about all the ways you make their life fuller, richer, and more enjoyable,so they'll be eager to see you in no time.

   • When you're sure that you are getting somewhere, back off a little. If you see them everyday, avoid them for two days or so, no contact! They might just end up missing you and really understanding how deeply they feel for you. But make sure you have a valid reason for being away when they ask—you don't want to be caught in a lie, or look like you're avoiding them on purpose.

6. 6

   Listen to feedback directly from them. Don't worry about what friends say about how your crush feels about you, because, as we all know, information can get distorted. It's like a game of telephone. Your crush tells something to their other friend, who tells it to a completely different friend, who gossips to someone else, and pretty soon the message has changed completely from what it originally was. Tune out any noise that isn't coming directly from your friend.

   • Be persistent and continue to do fun things with them. Studies show that doing something exciting, daring, or adventurous together helps both of your brains release a chemical (called norepinephrine) that is associated with romantic feelings. Try going to Six Flags, that haunted house, or an exciting game — anything that might cause the two of you to jump, scream, or wriggle with excitement.

7. 7

   Tell them how you feel. If you're sure you want to take the relationship further, tell them.[8] Remember, only do this if you're okay with the possibility of losing a friend; it can get very awkward and uncomfortable if your friend knows that you want a relationship and they don't feel the same way about you. Unfortunately, there's a risk the other person will pull away after you tell them about your feelings.

   • If you are sure, you need to tell them. Be honest and explain your feelings. You can say something like: "I've really valued our friendship these past couple months, and have grown to see how special of a person you are, and how alive you make me feel inside. I value our friendship over everything, but I really like you. I can't hide my feelings for you anymore. Would you go on a date with me?"[9]
   • Give them an out. Let them know that it's okay if they don't feel the same way, and that you can take it. You want their honest opinion, not a sugarcoated idea of what you want them to say. Try saying, "I know you may not feel the same way about me, and I respect that." It could go a long way to saving the friendship if they don't want to pursue a relationship. And if they do like you back, it will reinforce how sweet and respectful you are.

8. 8

   Don't get too emotional if they say no. Whatever you do, don't break down. Emotions are powerful things, and your crush might feel like you're using your emotions to be manipulative. Also, if you get emotional, they'll tend to pity you—that's not exactly the romantic feeling you want them to have. Stay stoic, even if you're boiling up inside, and accept whatever they say gracefully.

   • Remember, if they're not interested in dating you, it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you—it means the two of you aren't right for each other. Take some time for yourself if you need to.

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