What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you. From naughty gags about sex, to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humour, look no further. So strap yourself in, and try not to tell these filthy gags at any formal engagements… (It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour) Some fruity lines from rude comedians:
 “I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wood “Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr “I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney “Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly “Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay “You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe “The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican “A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'” – Gary Delaney “Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly “What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave “I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney “I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard “Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell “My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr (Photo: BBC)
Some other filthy jokes:What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms? Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy
boob? What’s long and hard and full of seamen? (Photo: Shutterstock) What
does a perverted frog say? What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? What do tofu and a dildo have in common? How does a woman scare a gynecologist? What’s better than roses on your piano? What kind of bees make milk? Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? What do you call a cheap circumcision? What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster? Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? What did the elephant say to the naked man? Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? And some vulgar one-liners:(Photo: Shutterstock) The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.” I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are. I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either. I saw a dildo the other day described as “nine inches long and realistic”. I thought, “Well, which is it?” – Gary Delaney Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only. Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under. I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park. – Gary Delaney I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on. – Gary Delaney A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her. I’ve currently got a stalker. But you probably can’t tell in these trousers. – Gary Delaney I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. – Gary Delaney (Photo: Shutterstock)
More jokes: Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer’s 41 best jokes and most surreal
quotes And some terrific quotes: 30 of Stephen Fry’s funniest jokes and
quotes |
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