How to tell if a guy is using you

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Finding out a guy is using you for sex can be painful, but it's also the first step in leaving a toxic relationship behind and moving on to better things. If you think a guy you like is using you, there are some behaviors and patterns you can look out for that will help confirm your suspicion.

1. 

   1

   See if he only contacts you after dark. If your guy only calls you hours after the sun has set below the horizon and the stars come out, chances are, it's not because he's in the mood for stargazing.[1] Though it does mean that he's definitely in the mood. If you never hear from him until after-hours, unless he's a doctor with an insane schedule, it's likely that it means he only has sex on the brain.

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   2

   See if he only contacts you on the weekdays. If he gets in touch with you on week nights but you almost never hear from him on the weekends, it's may be because he's reserving the weekends for someone else.[2]

3. 

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   See if he only contacts you sporadically. If you only hear from him once or twice a week, and it's not to set up a date, but to sporadically come over right now, then he may just want you for sex.[3] If you can't get a hold of him when you want to see how he's doing for five days, but suddenly he's blowing up your phone at midnight on a Wednesday night, then he must be ready for some more convenient late night lovin'.

4. 

   4

   See if he doesn't respond to you unless you want to hook up. If you text him to say, "How's your day going?" or "How was your big test?" and you hear nothing but the crickets in the woods behind your house, then he doesn't want to make small talk. But if you text him a casual "I want to see you," one night, and you can already hear him put his foot on the gas pedal, then you have a problem. [4]

5. 

   5

   See if he's always "so busy." It's okay to have a busy schedule, but if it means your guy can never make time for dinner and a movie but can always make time for some catching-up between the sheets, then he's not busy -- he just wants to get busy. If you know that he has time to hang out with friends, go to sporting events, and spend hours watching TV with his brother, but when he's too busy to grab coffee on a Sunday afternoon, then he just doesn't want to make time for you.

6. 

   6

   See if he never invites you anywhere. If he only calls you to "hang out" at your place, or to spend some time "catching up" on the couch of his apartment, then he doesn't really want to do anything that doesn't involve your body.[5] Sure, the occasional drink or fancy dinner can be his way of "making it up to you," but if you feel like you almost never see the outside world together, then he doesn't want you to be a part of his everyday life for a reason.

1. 

   1

   See if you never talk about your personal lives. If all you do is talk about hooking up or how much you want each other, then your relationship is mostly about sex. Sure, many relationships can start off like that -- you're obsessed with each other, you're always having sex, you're missing invitations to have sex, etc -- but if it's been a long time and you haven't progressed past the sex sex sex phase, then your relationship may not be deeper than that. Or if you are the only one disclosing all the details of your past history, relationships, etc, and he never shares real details about his past, but always phrases questions to get more information about you, then be careful he is trying to manipulate you.

   • See how he reacts when you ask him what he's thinking, feeling, wondering about. If he immediately backs off, then you have a problem.

2. 

   2

   See if it feels like all you do is sex. Are you spending an infinite amount of time in the boudoir? Is this balancing out with a whole lot of other activities together or is it the main (or even only) activity the two of you spend together?[6] If it is taking up more time developing a range of interests together, then it is probable that he is only interested in your relationship for the sex. Is he requiring you to perform additional sexual acts that you are not comfortable with?

   • Even if it's not literally all you do, if you feel that way, then you have to follow your gut.

3. 

   3

   See if he's quick to leave after a love making session. Or if he doesn't really contact you after a love making session. Does he rarely or never stay the night? If so, you're one of his nightly activities, not the love of his life. If he'll give you perfunctory kiss, and then start throwing on his clothes, then he doesn't want to spend the night with you because it will feel too much like you have a real relationship. And if he always offers a convenient excuse for why he has to go, or why he doesn't contact, or he is always so busy, then that's even worse.

   • Sure, he may tell you that he has to wake up wicked early. But then why did he wait until 1 a.m. to come over to your place?

4. 

   4

   See if you never kiss without it leading to sex. In most relationships, people kiss just to show affection, to feel a connection, and to be intimate in a quick and enjoyable fashion. You can just be kissing when you're taking a walk, kissing in a dark bar, or just because you have the urge on a Monday morning. If every time you kiss your man, he starts reaching for your x-rated body parts, then he may think that he should only kiss you for some sexy time.

   • Check out his level of affection. Does he ever want to snuggle, cuddle, or hug just because, without any sexual connection? If not, then it may be because he wants one thing only.

5. 

   5

   See if you've never hung out with his friends. Have you been hooking up for months, but you've never met a single one of his friends? Does he hang out with his friends all the time without you but never invite you out to join him? That's because either he's too embarrassed to bring you around, because he doesn't want to invest that much in your relationship, or even because there may be some other girls hanging around who he wants to keep away from you.

1. 

   1

   See if he never reveals personal information. Guys who are using a woman for sex often give few or no details about themselves. Have you gleaned what you know about him from friends, personal observation, general conversations, past interactions, or has he really volunteered personal and revelatory information about himself to you? This is a VERY telling point, so it is worth considering carefully.

2. 

   2

   See if he's bored when you talk about yourself. Does he get bored quickly when you discuss your work, your hobbies, your activities, general daily issues? Does he try to stop the discussion and turn it back into "fixing everything with a snuggle on the couch"?. If so, he might be pushing aside the emotional entanglement of a real relationship just so that he can keep open the using side without feelings of guilt. He could also present himself as a counselor and offer advice about all of your issues, but not disclose any of his so that you can be involved in his life.

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   See if he rarely seems to care how you're feeling. Have you never heard him randomly ask if you're upset, ask how your day was, or just wonder why you had tears in your eyes? If he seems absolutely allergic to your emotions, then chances are it's not because he's too shy to ask or too awkward to help you deal, but it's because, well, he just doesn't really care that much. If he's just into you for sex, then any of your complicated, messy feelings will be a hurdle for him and nothing more.

4. 

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   See if he tells you he doesn't want a relationship. This may seem like a no-brainer, but many women refuse to see what's right in front of their eyes, even if they hear it. If he has told you that he's just into casual dating, that he doesn't have time for anything serious, or that he's just not a relationship kind of guy, then he probably meant it. You might have brushed this aside, thought he was just trying to play hard to get, or were convinced that you could change him. Well, if he has specifically told you that he's essentially not interested in much more than sex, then you need to rethink your "relationship."

5. 

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   See if he never talks about a future with you. Have you been hooking up for months and haven't ever talked about what you're going to do even a month from the day you see your guy, let alone next summer? Have you been at it for over a year but you haven't made any moves to get more serious? If not, then he may just see you as a temporary thing and isn't ready to be the boyfriend you want him to be.

6. 

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   See if all he talks about is sex. Is he interested in emotional discussions about his feelings? Does he discuss where things are headed with the two of you? Or is it more you? Or is he more interested in whether you've purchased new undies and if you remembered to pop into the pharmacy this morning for additional supplies? Or if you considered trying out that new sexual position?

1. 

   1

   See if his phone is always blowing up when he's around you. If he shows up and his phone rings off the hook, and he keeps looking at it and then shutting it off, then it may be because the ladies are calling him 24/7. If he's texting as soon as you step out of the room and abruptly puts away his phone when you show up, then you're not the only girl in his life. And if he never leaves his phone unattended, not even for a second, then it may be because he doesn't want you to see all of the sweet texts from his other love interests.

2. 

   2

   Check out all the girls all over his Facebook. Let's say you're his Facebook friend, and you better be. Check out his profile and see if there are tons of girls messaging him, if he's flirting all over the Internet, and if there are dozens of photos with him with women. If that's the case, then you know where he goes when he falls off the radar for five days; and it's not just because he's having a crazy week at work. If his Facebook seems completely unmanned or if it looks like he rarely uses it, and yet, you know he watches your every Facebook move, that's definitely not a good sign.

3. 

   3

   See if you've been warned. Have other women come up to you and told you to stay away from him? Have your friends told you that he's a player, and that he'll never be your boyfriend? Unless you think you can "tame" or "change" him, (and you can't) then these are bright red flags that say it's time to call it quits pronto. Don't think that you're different, or that these women don't know what they're talking about. If you've heard it from multiple people, then chances are, they're right.

4. 

   4

   See if you've just made no progress in your relationship. Has it been six months and you still haven't met his friends, talked about the upcoming months in your lives, gone shopping together, hung out during the day, or done any of the things that normal people do? It's okay if it takes a long time for him to say "I love you," but if he has rarely even said, "I really like you," and it's been a while, then things may not be moving forward because he only sees you as his plaything.

5. 

   5

   Go with your gut. Wake up! If you're even contemplating this might be a possibility, you've got a gut feeling in there that is trying to warn you. Look around you and assess the situation for what it is. How is it making you feel? Are you happy? Are you satisfied with the relationship as it is? Can you actually have a future with this guy? Most likely not, meaning you need to start thinking about whether this relationship is worth the risk.

   • Guess what? There's plenty more where he came from. Move on and locate your self-esteem; put it back where it belongs, reclaiming your self-respect and keeping your sexuality, physical health, emotional sanity, and sense intact.

Add New Question

• Question

  What does it mean when a man texts you late at night?

  

  Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

  

  Dating Coach & Matchmaker

  Expert Answer

  If he only ever calls or messages you late at night, there's a chance that he only wants you around for a physical relationship.

• Question

  Will I regret it if I break up with him?

  

  Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

  

  Dating Coach & Matchmaker

  Expert Answer

  Ultimately, you have to decide what you want out of this relationship. Are you okay with just having a sexual connection? If you want an actual relationship, it might be best to break things off.

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• A lot of men avoid the "commitment" discussion, so that in itself is not a sufficient sign of your being used. You need to consider the pattern as a whole and include your gut instincts as part of the equation.

  <b>Thanks! We’re glad this was helpful.</b><br />Looking for more fun ways to learn on wikiHow?<br />Learn about yourself with <a href='/Quizzes'><b>Quizzes</b></a> or try our brand new <a href='/Games/Train-Your-Brain'><b>Train Your Brain</b></a> word game.

• Withhold the sex for a while and see what happens. Especially when you know he really wants it. Is he willing to wait? Make sure withholding is lengthy enough and noticeable for you to determine what his intentions are. Is there love and understanding in return, or is there grumpiness and a refusal to see you for a time?

  <b>Thanks! We’re glad this was helpful.</b><br />Looking for more fun ways to learn on wikiHow?<br />Learn about yourself with <a href='/Quizzes'><b>Quizzes</b></a> or try our brand new <a href='/Games/Train-Your-Brain'><b>Train Your Brain</b></a> word game.

• Don't dump him till you know for sure. He might just have a high sex drive or assume you have a high sex drive and be trying to satisfy you. Be patient and in control of your emotions. Breaking up is the last thing you want to do if you're not sure of the situation. However, if you are already in a relationship and you started messing with this guy because of problems in your relationship, or because he seems to be the "guy of your dreams", then end it quickly, because no good will come of it.

  <b>Thanks! We’re glad this was helpful.</b><br />Looking for more fun ways to learn on wikiHow?<br />Learn about yourself with <a href='/Quizzes'><b>Quizzes</b></a> or try our brand new <a href='/Games/Train-Your-Brain'><b>Train Your Brain</b></a> word game.

References

1. ↑ Crista Beck. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.
2. ↑ http://www.sheknows.com/sheknows-plus/articles/817376/8-signs-you-re-being-used-for-sex
3. ↑ Crista Beck. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.
4. ↑ http://www.sheknows.com/sheknows-plus/articles/817376/8-signs-you-re-being-used-for-sex
5. ↑ Crista Beck. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.
6. ↑ Crista Beck. Dating Coach & Matchmaker. Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.

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If you're worried a guy is using you for sex, pay attention to when he texts or calls you — if it's only late at night, it could be a sign that he's just looking for sex. Be skeptical if he only wants to hang out when you're hooking up and if he's quick to leave when you're finished. Ask yourself how much you know about his friends and personal life. If he doesn't share a lot with you, it could mean he's only interested in you for sex. For more ways to tell if he's using you, like looking at who he's texting and talking to on social media, scroll down!

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