Is it proper etiquette for a mother to give her daughter a baby shower

Marking the impending birth of your first child with your friends and family is an expected rite of passage, but the etiquette for hosting another fête for future babies can get a little murky. "Traditionally, baby showers were for first-time parents who were getting started and needed everything from diapers to draperies for their newborn," says etiquette expert Diane Gottsman, the founder of The Protocol School of Texas. "Second, third, and fourth babies make the decision more difficult, because many people have an abundance of things and need very little. However, much like birthdays and other special events, it's a great reason to celebrate." If you do choose to honor your little one's little siblings—regardless of when they arrive—follow a few simple etiquette guidelines when planning your party.

Related: The Best Baby Shower Themes—Plus, How to Recreate Them for Your Own Party

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It’s a brave new world out there, and baby showers are evolving to include coed celebrations, says Lizzie Post, great-great-granddaughter of etiquette legend Emily Post and a co-president of the Emily Post Institute. “There are Jack and Jill baby showers all the time,” she notes, and they're sure to differ from women-only showers in areas like decor (less pastel); food (more hearty fare); and games (gender neutral).“Every parent is absolutely entitled to a shower!”

2 Every baby gets celebrated

Parents having second, third, or more babies have usually accrued plenty of infant gear. But it’s absolutely fine to have a “sprinkle” in honor of the newbie, says Post. "There might be other things you need that are more basic, like everyone needs a million onesies when they have a newborn," she explains, "although a sprinkle really is just a chance to wish everyone well and celebrate that there’s a new baby coming.”

3 Little ones are welcome if the invite says so

A baby shower might seem like the perfect function to bring your kids to since it’s all about the upcoming special delivery, but don’t just assume they’re welcome. “It’s okay only if it’s been specified on the invitation or if the host has let you know when you RSVP,” Post advises. Speaking of the RSVP, be sure to respond to it promptly, just as you would for any other event. “If you decline the invitation,” Post adds, “you are not obligated to send a gift, though may send one if you choose to.”

4 Watch what you say and do

Get the the good guest award by not bringing up potentially touchy subjects like birth plans or parenting plans. “Keep the conversation light,” says Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach. “If the mom-to-be is unmarried, don’t ask her if she’s going to marry the father. And don’t make comments about how how big she is. It’s a very emotional time—tell her how beautiful she is."

Participation in activities, from playing games to mingling with other guests is also protocol. “Don’t just sit in the corner and gossip,” Whitford warns. “You’re invited because it’s a gesture of friendship. If someone takes the time to invite you to this special event it’s important to follow through. Don’t say you’re coming and not come. If you have an emergency, of course you’d call personally. It’s better to call and leave a voicemail if you don’t reach the person."

5 Careful with the foods and booze

Listen up, hosts: Pregnancy means no alcohol, and no foods like soft cheeses, raw shellfish, pâté, or deli meat, among others. Asking the mom-to-be if she minds if such items on the menu is just good form. “If they’re particularly frustrated by their limitations, putting a lot of things in front of them that they can’t enjoy is probably not a great idea,” Post says. “But most say they want their guests to have a good time and usually some kind of cocktail or champagne is involved. Talk with the guest of honor. Ask.”

This one's for moms-to-be: The quickest way to hurt your guests' feelings is with an insincere show of gratitude. “I’ve seen people leave a basket near the door with a sign, ‘Please take a thank you card on your way out.’ It’s like a generic ‘thank you for coming’ card,” says Post. “Hosts need to know that does not suffice as a proper thank you for someone who took the time to get a gift and come celebrate the guest of honor.

I’ve seen fill-in versions of thank you note cards for mothers-to-be, as well. They are well-intentioned efforts by hosts to make life easier on a busy mom-to-be, but they fail miserably in the etiquette department.”

7 Don't skip the sip and see

Along with gender-reveal gatherings, sip and see parties are the latest way to celebrate baby, though they happen after the birth. “Rather than having a ton of visitors—one after the other after the other—new parents will schedule a sip and see,” says Post. “It’s so the parents can be very alert and awake and ready, as opposed to feeling like they have to be 'on' for a week straight when they’re dealing with a brand new baby.”

While a baby shower is more about helping the parents get set up for the baby, this occasion, says Post, is “much more about ‘come and meet the baby.’ I don’t think you have to bring gifts to a sip and see, but you might bring a card, or a smaller gift if you felt like it.”

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