What to do if my wife hits me

Question

Me and my wife have arguments every now and then. Sometimes she gets very angry and starts hitting me with all her strength. Sometimes I am at fault and sometimes she is at fault for starting the argument. What can I do about this ? Alhamdulillah, I am stronger , so she can't harm me. So far, we have a very good married life alhamdulillah. The last time she hit me, made me very angry and I decided to hit her back but I didn't. Actually I have never hit her alhamdulillah.

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Answer

Praise be to Allah.

We are amazed that you can be happy, despite what you mention about having a lot of arguments and even hitting sometimes. Whatever the case, we ask Allaah to increase your happiness.

There can be no doubt that a woman’s hitting her husband is a sign of a serious problem in this household and that it is not fit to raise children. How can the father raise his children when they see him being hit by their mother?!

Whatever the case, if you want to set things straight in your household and your want your wife to be set straight, then you must find out the reason why your wife has resorted to violence, and you must deal with it.

Specialists have mentioned several reasons why a wife might become violent. These include:

1.Her violence is a reaction to her husband’s violence. This is not the case – according to what you mention in your question – in your situation, because you say that you do not hit her.

2.Your wife’s violence may be because of having had a bad childhood, and what she may have been exposed to of violence from her parents or one of them, or from one of her siblings.

3.The wife’s violence may be due to her husband’s weak character. Her husband may not be working, and she may be the one who is working and taking responsibility for the household, and her dominant personality may lead her to aggression against his weak character.

4.The woman’s violence may be due to the effect of what she reads, watches or ingests. She may be influenced by dominant women or read stories about them, or the devils among women may be whispering to her that this is the right way to check the husband, or she may be under the influence of drugs and intoxicants.

If you know the reason ,then you must deal with it wisely and gently, and remind her of the greatness of the rights that you have over her, and her duties towards you. Remind her of the punishment for transgressing against you in word and deed, and alert her to the fact that her actions will play a part in your failure to raise your children properly, and that her character may be reflected in some of her daughters.

What the couple must do is treat one another kindly, and not wrong one another or deny one another’s rights. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228].

If some differences arise between them, then these differences should be dealt with in an atmosphere of love, understanding, respect and tolerance, so that their married life will be as Allaah wants it to be: “and He has put between you affection and mercy” [al-Room 30:21].

We ask Allaah to reconcile between you.

And Allaah knows best.

Did you know that more than five million men are battered each year? Men in abusive relationships are a hidden epidemic and they suffer in silence. There can be many reasons for this silence. One reason could be embarrassment; our culture applauds strong, masculine men, and being abused by a woman can be seen as not only demeaning, but also emasculating.

Men may also be more likely to be in denial about abuse, and disbelief that their spouse could be abusive. They make excuses for her behavior and say things like: she had a tough childhood, she doesn't mean to hurt me, and if I try harder to please her she will stop hitting me. Now you are isolating yourself from family and friends because you are embarrassed and ashamed about the abuse.

According to a Department of Justice national survey, more men than women are victims of intimate partner violence and over 40% of men have suffered severe physical violence. However, more often abuse comes in psychological and emotional forms.

Here is one recent letter among many I've received recently from a man whose wife is abusive:

Dear Ms. Vicki,

My wife is 5'5". She weighs 125 pounds. She may be small in stature but she is constantly kicking the dog crap out of me, literally. She screams and yells at me for any little thing. She calls me stupid, dumb and she tells me "you are nothing."

I can't do anything right and I'm feeling like I'm failing in my marriage. When it's the 1st or the 15th she is happy as can be, those are my paydays. If I tell her she can't go on a shopping spree she hits me, punches me and has kicked me before too. It's like she is having a temper tantrum or something, a terrible one for someone who is 32 years old.

I don't even want to be around friends or family anymore because I'm afraid they will see my bruises. My wife was the most loving woman in the world but as soon as we were married things completely changed overnight. My four-year-old son recently said, "Mommy's gonna beat you up again." She thinks it's funny…she laughs when she hurts me.

Is my wife bullying me? Can women be abusive or am I overreacting? Could you let me know what I should do Ms. Vicki?

Sincerely, No Laughing Matter

Yes, women are abusive to men, and this sounds like one such example.

Signs that she is abusive (there are others):

She is controlling
She loses her temper regularly and you feel like you are walking on eggshells
She hits, kicks and slaps you
She swears and name calls
She threatens you

Your wife could be much smaller than you. It doesn't matter -- women can be abusive. Abuse is no laughing matter. It will get worse if you don't get help.

Here are some resources below:

Military service members should contact their family service center (Fleet and Family Service, Army Community Service or Marine Corps Family Service). You can speak to a Victims Advocate who will give you advice and resources. Your reporting of the abuse could be restricted or unrestricted.
S.A.F.E. - Stop Abuse For Everyone
Battered Men's Helpline- You can also call their toll free number: 1-877-643-1120

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