Where do couples argue at the mall joke

Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.” Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail

Sarah Silverman on Cleaning House

My kitchen floor is sticky, and  I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman

The Mark of Good Cleaning

Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could  totally eat off this table. Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34

Dating a Hoarder

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of. Sam Morril

The Star of Cake Boss Was Arrested…

The star of Cake Boss was  arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Comedian Joe Toplyn

Parenting Fads According to The Onion

The latest parenting fads,  according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become  a partner in a successful law firm. • Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician. • As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

The latest parenting fads, according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful...

@BillMurray on Child Naming

The cool part about naming  your kid is you don’t have to add  six numbers to make sure the name  is available. @billmurray

Airport Insecurity

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan “He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through  security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with...

Waking Up is Hard to Do

I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill. @Popcorngoddess1

Notable Never-isms

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine • Never board  a commercial  aircraft if the  pilot is wearing  a tank top. —Dave Barry • Never be in a  hurry to terminate a marriage. You  may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck • Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding • Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin  Crisp

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for...

The Wright Way to Give

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box  of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of  Band-Aids and said, “You two share.” Steven Wright

Better Luck Next Year

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” Bernard Manning

Snappy Answers to Bad Résumés

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.) • Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.) • References: “My landscaper.”  (A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.) • Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!) • Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?) From resumania.com and Robert Half

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have...

It Beats a Board Meeting

The office Christmas party  is a great opportunity to catch up  with people you haven’t seen for  20 minutes. @juliussharpe

Dad Jokes from Granddad

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get  less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.” They’ll probably laugh later. Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the...

…And Your Little Blog, Too!

What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West? @Apocalypsehow

Say it With Your Pants

Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman

You Get What You Pay For

Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented. @JoeToplyn

I Owe My Life to Justin Bieber…

... I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of  his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up  to turn it off.

… I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up to...

A Colorful Diet

My parents used to stuff  me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy Liebman

My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...

You Are What Your Eat

I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism. Rob O’Reilly

I'm a Busy Ghost, People

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers? Jerry Seinfeld

People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...

A Fun-Size Quibble

When it comes  to candy bars, the term fun-sized  is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are:  “disappointment-sized.” Jimmy Kimmel

When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...

When is Your Beard Too Long?

When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!” Ron Babcock

Facial Deduction

Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?” No, I shave my photos. Sean Morey

Pick a 'Vember, Any 'Vember

While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up. @ChrisThayerSays

Miles and Gigabytes Away

Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet. @Bridger_w

Air Force Truisms

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.” “Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”...

Terrified: The Only Way to Fly

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly  from New York  to Tokyo in one  hour. Apparently,  the engines are  powered by  human screams. Seth Meyers

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human...

A Moment of Reflection

I shave each morning in front  of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than  it actually appears. Submitted by Philip Rogers,  Latham, New York

Start Over, Por Favor?

After 12 years of therapy,  my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.” Comedian Ronnie Shakes

The Maximum-Security Bathroom

If a company’s most valuable  resource is its people, how come  the employees aren’t locked up,  but the toilet paper is in a  reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall? Mark Severin, from humorlabs.com

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted...

The Other Mortal Coils

I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out...