I hit my social peak at five years old. Kindergarten was “da bomb,” let me tell you. Show I was double-booked for play dates. I frequently had three, yes THREE birthday parties in the same weekend. During lunch, I had a system to hang out with all of my friends. I would eat my sandwich at the blue table, eat my carrots at the green table, and eat dessert with the red table (where the best swapping was). At recess, it was agony trying to decide if I should play tag, do the monkey bars, or trade stickers at the big oak in the corner of the playground—often panting while trying to do all three. When the end of school bell rung, I would skip along the line of waiting mothers in their parked cars and high-five all of my friends as they pulled away. Sometimes I cried before “having” to go away on school break. And then… middle school. It went downhill from there.
I was waiting to board a plane at an airport the other day and overheard two little boys have this incredible interaction: Hi, I like trucks. I like trucks too. This is my dinosaur. Cool! Can I be your friend? Yes! Let’s play with dinosaurs on trucks. I wish I could walk up to someone nice, tell them something I liked and then ask them to be my friend. If only it were that easy! For some reason, becoming adult friends gets much trickier. Here’s why:
It’s also scary.
But here’s the thing. Friends matter. Money will come and go, and career success will fade in later years, but friends only make you richer. I believe that finding, building, and maintaining fulfilling friendships is one of the most important things we do in our lifetime. I know it’s hard. But I have a big idea. I want to give you a different approach to making friends:
I feel incredibly blessed to have found the most amazing group of friends after many, many years of awkward searching. They love to dress up in crazy costumes, are willing to participate in my science experiments (usually), and put up with my weird antics (like asking to be blindfolded and seeing if I can recognize each of them by scent).
We attempt to play soccer together:
(We have won only one game so far. #winnersatheart) We have weird theme parties:
(Dress Like Your Heritage)
(Dress in all white and have a spontaneous picnic)
(Christmas Toga Party…because why not?!) We have adventures:
(My husband humored me by taking the only 2 person kayak) Looking back, I realized we had gone through a courtship process of sorts. (They are going to tease me mercilessly for writing this post; I am sure of it). It made me begin looking into the process of making friends. I was fortunate enough to talk to readers all around the world who have found their “best friends.” Except for the lucky few who had friends from childhood, those who had found adult friends had experiences remarkably similar to mine. They had to “date their friends” first. So, I want you to court your companions. Flirt with friends. Date your peers. I want you to think about making friends like dating, but without the heartbreak. We search for soulmates, why not best friends? It’s totally okay to make a New Year’s resolution about finding your soulmate, and to spend time and money on dates wooing the perfect romantic partner, but for some reason it’s weird to say that your goal is to find a best friend. Let’s change that. In this post, I want to show you how you can search for your best friend. Whatever this means to you—build your buddy system, hone your homies, meet your mates:
Warning: I know it feels a little weird to be talking about the science of making friends—to break down friendship into steps. But, unfortunately, the art of building friendships often gets lost in childhood. I think friendships are important and worth the effort. So, I have broken down the process into steps so we can relearn this essential skill. The Science of Making Friends as an AdultGo through the following list of steps, just like you would court a new date. You are going to court your new friends. Choose Your Own Friendship Adventure:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Step #1: CourtshipLet’s say you’re newly single and ready to mingle. What’s the first thing you do? Most people think about the kind of person they want to meet. If you’re a woman, you probably made a list. Something like this perhaps?
Then you look at the list and think about where you might find this type of person. You either join the most relevant online dating website, or join a local group or class to find this “type” of person. A list like this also makes you more attuned to spot this person when you see them.
Go through the following prompts: Look at the list above and see if anyone you already know pops into your head. It could even be a distant relative or a friend of a friend or a spouse of a colleague. If no one pops into your head, that’s okay. You are starting from scratch. Make a list of places, groups, clubs, classes and social networks where you might meet the kind of person above: ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Step #2: FlirtingThis is the most important step for making adult friendships. Flirting. Adults make two mistakes that get them all mucked up when it comes to making friends:
Flirting helps with both. Flirting is how you test the waters, how you get to know someone to see if there’s chemistry and how you stave off rejection. Whether you already have someone in mind, or you are going to go to a few events and meet new people, here are three ways you can friendship flirt:
↑ Table of Contents ↑ Step #3: WooingBy this point, you have someone (or a few people) in your life who you think might make a great friend. You want to pursue them, go on some dates, spend more time together. How? Here we borrow a saying from weddings. In the States, most brides wear four unique items on their wedding day for luck (or just for fun). Something old, such as a vintage ring; something new, such as a new wedding dress; something borrowed, such as their mother’s veil; and something blue, such as a blue garter. I find this is an easy way to think about different types of wooing. Here are easy four ways to “ask someone out:”
Try one or all of these with a potential friend to get a “date” on the calendar to see if they might be a good fit. ↑ Table of Contents ↑ Step #4: DatingNow comes the serious part. You have someone you like and slowly have been courting them. You’ve been doing a few things together here and there, and you feel they have bestie potential (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself). Now what? It’s time to see if the relationship has staying power. Most importantly, you want to know if you are good for each other. Over the next few weeks, go through more of the wooing steps and ask yourself these three essential questions:
Toxic relationships happen when we secretly have ill wishes for someone or they have them for us. This happens a lot with “frenemies” or friends who don’t actually support you wholeheartedly. They get jealous, they get “judgy,” they get controlling. It’s extremely important to be on the lookout for these kinds of toxic indicators early on. Just like in a relationship, so-called red flags rarely tend to go away. However, unlike a relationship, you don’t have to marry this person, so:
Step #5: LoveCongratulations! You’re in love <3. This is the most amazing, fulfilling, mushy-gushy, part of friendships. (Yes, that’s a good thing.) I think this is the part of the friendship where investment really pays off. What do I mean by investment? Emotional investment, time investment, energy investment. Even the best romantic relationships require tune-ups and energy. And this isn’t bad or hard. I think it is beautiful. Yes, I am getting mushy-gushy. Here’s how you keep your friendships running on high:
Friendships are our greatest asset. Not all of us are lucky enough to have best friends from childhood, but that’s okay. We can make amazing friendships as adults—it just takes a little bit of courage and a little bit of romance. |