How to accept an apology from a coworker

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At a housewarming last year, an old friend confessed that she still felt guilty about a petty thing she’d done to me years ago. “It’s something I’ll always regret, and I want you to know that I’m still so sorry,” she said.

Did I need to know? Honestly, I hadn’t thought about it in ages. It’s true that she had behaved badly, but she’d also apologized profusely and sincerely afterward, and we’d hashed it out over many margaritas circa 2012 before relaxing back into the kind of friendship where, now older and less prone to drama, we know intimate details about each others’ podcast preferences. Still, she felt the need to explain that our relationship meant a lot to her, and she felt terrible that she’d ever jeopardized it, and so on, and so on … the apology floodgates opened. Suddenly, standing in the corner at the party, I found myself in the awkward position of comforting her for how badly she felt about what she had done to me.

It was a weird situation, but also flattering to know she cared so much. I also felt for her, and wanted to let her off the hook. I know from personal experience that past transgressions have a way of haunting us. I’ve spent my fair share of hours staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, cringing about something I did a decade ago and wishing I could make it up to the person I’d wronged, or at least show them I wasn’t really such a jerk.

This kind of self-imposed psychological punishment is apparently a normal part of maintaining human connections, according Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh. “Research shows that after someone does something that harms a relationship, they want to have a sense of acceptance again, and get reassurance that they are good people,” she says. That’s why apologies aren’t just about placating the victim of the offense — they’re about restoring a sense of moral equilibrium to the offender, too.

Most of what you read about apologies addresses how to go about it (or not, if you do it too much), but there’s precious little about how to receive them in a way that puts the matter to bed — or asks more of the apologizer, if that’s what you want. Most of us just smile and say it’s okay, even when it’s not. That’s “politeness theory” at work, says Gili Freedman, a social psychologist who studies social rejection at St. Mary’s College of Maryland. “According to politeness theory, if a person apologizes to you, you feel like you have to respond in a particular way,” she explains. “You can’t just say, ‘Okay, bye.’ The normative response is to express forgiveness, and say, ‘It’s alright, I forgive you.’ And that can be problematic if you don’t actually forgive them, but you feel constrained by the social norm to tell them that you do, which threatens your sense of control of the situation.”

It’s also problematic if the person making the apology suspects you aren’t being honest with them. So! How do you regain control when you’re being apologized to, and accept the apology gracefully and truthfully? I asked the experts for pointers.

You should say so, but be careful with your language and tone. “It’s important to be genuine without being hostile,” says Schumann. “Research shows that using a ‘constructive voice’ — where you voice your concerns in a positive, calm way — is the most effective way to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending to forgive when you’re not ready are not going to fix the problem.”

Try saying: “Thank you, I needed to hear this apology. I really am hurt.” Or, “I appreciate your apology. I need time to think about it, and I need to see a change in your actions before I can move forward with you.”

Don’t attack the transgressor, as hard as it may be to hold back in the moment. “Avoid negative strategies like criticism or contempt, attacking the person’s character, or mocking them, or rolling your eyes at them, or being defensive,” says Schumann. “The other person will just get defensive and put up a wall, and you’ll get even more upset.”

Ask for what you need, says psychologist Jen Thomas, co-author of The Five Languages of Apology. Her research posits that there are five modes or “languages” for apologies — expressing regret (“I’m so sorry”), accepting responsibility (“I was wrong, and you were right”), making restitution (“What can I do to make this up to you?”), genuinely repenting (“I’ve learned, and I won’t do it again”), and requesting forgiveness (“Will you please forgive me?”) — and we all have one type, or a combination of a few, that we’re most comfortable with. Our apology language is usually instilled in us during our upbringing, she says, and can also shift depending on who the offender is, and the offense itself.

Most people are sophisticated enough to understand “sorry” even if it isn’t conveyed in their preferred mode (say, your partner brings you flowers instead of vocalizing that he was wrong — you still get the message). “But if an offense is serious or repeated, people may want the apology restated in their apology language,” says Thomas. She recommends saying something like, “I really appreciate what you’re saying. But I would really feel much better if I knew you weren’t going to do this again. How can I know that you won’t?”

It’s possible — and totally appropriate — to assert the gravity of what the offender has done at the same time that you express a willingness to forgive them, says Schumann. In fact, you might need to spell out that it’s a big deal. “Typically with apologies, we see something called the ‘magnitude gap,’ where victims see the offense as being more severe, more unjustified, and more damaging to the relationship than transgressors do,” she says. “For that reason, victims tend to have less closure than transgressors, who tend to think that once they’ve apologized, the chapter is closed.” The best way to get closure for both parties is to be honest about how angry you were (or are), and explain your expectations from the other person moving forward.

“Sometimes people catastrophize their own transgressions far more than their victims do, and worry about their impact on the relationship,” says Schumann. “Apologizing profusely usually means (1) they really care about you, and they want to make sure that relationship is repaired, or (2) they’re a highly anxious, vigilant person, either in general or in this particular social position, and don’t want to step on your toes.” In situations where power dynamics are imbalanced, overapologizing from the less-empowered party might be more expected (say, a lowly employee who spilled coffee all over the CEO).

But if it’s coming from a friend, it probably just means that they really value your opinion, Schumann explains. “Even though being on the receiving end of overapologies can feel burdensome, that empathy can be reciprocal: Just as the offender might be empathizing with the harm they’ve caused you, you can empathize with the guilt they’re feeling, and the fact that they want to restore the relationship.”

Ultimately, that’s what worked with my own friend. After trying various ways to reassure her that it was water under the bridge, I changed course and agreed with her. We were both so young and dumb, I said, and I have plenty of regrets about how careless I’d been with certain friends during that period of my life, too. “Really?” she asked, looking relieved. “That makes me feel better.”

How I Learned to Accept an Apology From a Friend

Mistakes and conflict are two very common occurrences in any professional workplace. If you want to preserve your relationships at work, it might be necessary to apologize for actions or mistakes. This is necessary for workers, but bosses often need to apologize as well. How do you respond to “sorry” professionally?

If you want to respond to an apology professionally, you can react blandly, such as “That’s OK,” “No problem,” “It happens,” “Don’t worry about it,” or “I forgive you.” Other acceptable ways to respond would include “I hear your apology,” “I appreciate the apology, or “I accept your apology.”

In this article, we will explain the different ways how you can respond to an apology from your boss, accept an apology gracefully, and respond to a late reply. Apologizing and accepting apologies are essential for your relationships and maintaining a healthy atmosphere in your workplace. Read on to find out!

How Do You Respond When A Boss Says Sorry?

When a boss says sorry, you can respond by acknowledging the apology, appreciating the sincere apology, or just acknowledging the apology.

When it comes to apologizing, your boss will usually take time, effort, and courage to create a message with a friendly tone.

And hence, if you recognize these small things would be the best way to start thinking about how you want to respond.

It will convey a sense of professionalism towards your boss and work in your favor. You can acknowledge your boss’ apology by using the following examples of statements.

“Thank You For Taking Your Time And Effort To Apologize To Me.”

This is another way of saying “It’s OK” in a more professional manner. This conveys much more emotion than just saying that it’s OK, which will give your boss the impression that you were upset, but you appreciate their efforts to apologize.

“I Acknowledge Your Apology Message.”

Acknowledge means that you recognize your boss’ apology. If this is the route you prefer to go, using “acknowledge instead of “accepted” will completely change the tone of the message into a message that becomes impersonal.

When using this detached tone, you are implying to your boss that you are only willing to recognize their apology instead of accepting it.

This could be used in the case where a mistake has been made repeatedly and may need some more serious action or a proper discussion when the time is right.

“I Appreciate Your Apology Sincerely.”

The best time to use this verbiage would be when you really feel your boss’ apology has been made sincerely and if you wholeheartedly accept it. If you want to set a friendly yet serious tone while maintaining a sense of professionalism in your message, this would be the best response.

How Do You Accept An Apology Gracefully?

After receiving an apology, it is up to you to either accept it or decline it. If you decide to accept an apology, you need to accept it respectfully. This takes three critical steps, and by following each of them, you are sure to accept the apology given as gracefully as possible.

Move Past The Problem

After you have recognized the apology, you need to reassure the recipient that you are willing to move n from the issue, as this creates a sense of security.

You can make some changes to your message and turn it into something more applicable or personal, but below are some examples you can use in typical situations:

• “I wish it hadn’t come to this, but I understand.”
• “I wish this did not happen, but it is all right.”
• “I appreciate your apology, and we can place the issue aside for the time being.”

Express Your Desire For Better Communication And Behavior

Since you have gotten your well-deserved apology, the ball is in your court, which means you have the opportunity to call out the issue and suggest a solution. By doing this, you can express your willingness to move past the issue and help to prevent a similar problem in the future.

Below is an example of how you can express a solution to the situation that has occurred:

• “I understand that there are things beyond your control, but I also believe we could work harder towards available solutions to this matter to avoid problems like these in the future.”

Always End On A Positive Note

Once you have made your desire for improvement clear and have stated that you accepted the apology, it is advised to always end your discussion or message on a positive note.

In doing this, you will motivate the receiving party to improve their behavior or communication, as your optimism gives them the impression that you are understanding.

Also, conveying a message with a negative connotation could make matters worse and worsen the relationship between you and somebody you need to be in contact with daily.

You can end your discussion or message on a positive note by keeping the following examples of statements in mind:

• “Thank you in advance for preventing problems like this in the future.”
• “Thank you in advance for improving your service.”
• “Thank you for considering my suggestion moving forward.”

How To Respond To “Sorry For The Late Reply”?

It is reasonable to become annoyed, but in this case, it would be best to let it go. If late replies aren’t a reoccurring problem, it is normal for people to forget to respond or have something come up that may steal their attention.

If late replies are a regular occurrence, you may prefer to address them, and it could be done in the right ways while remaining professional. It is rude and unacceptable not to respond in a specific timeframe, but it is also not the worst mistake in the world.

If the person is a little apologetic, and it is a rare thing, you can play it cool and take note of the following acceptable replies:

• “Not the end of the world.” (This is a smooth response that will still make the person realize they did something wrong, but you understand.)
• “It’s alright, I understand.” (This could hint that you are slightly annoyed at the late response, but you are willing to move past the problem without any form of discussion.)
• “It’s OK.” (This is a good response if you don’t want to indicate any emotion and if you want to avoid any form of conflict.)

Conclusion

Knowing how to respond professionally in the workplace will only work in your favor. Mistakes are human, and all of us make them occasionally. You must know when you need to be apologized to and when you have apologizing to do.

Always remain professional and try your best to revive any relationships in the workplace in good spirit!