How can I avoid getting married?

Why are so many men refusing to get married? Is it because of women? Or is it because of the unfair family justice system?

Article updated: January 5, 2021

Marriage is on the decline, and it's a scary thought. Imagine dating a man for years, cohabitating, and giving the relationship your all without him ever having to "put a ring on it." No matrimony, no wedding dress, and no big celebration with family and friends. What about the thought of having children without marriage? 

It’s fine if you don't believe in marriage, but the rest of us do. Most women look forward to tying the knot with the man of their dreams, but what will happen if millions of men refuse to get married? This is what's currently happening in America and many other parts of the world.

Historically Low Marriage Rates in America

U.S. News reported that marriage rates reached a historic low in 2018, with only 6.5 people out of 1,000 getting married — the lowest level in 118 years. 

Marriage rates reached a historic low in 2018, with only 6.5 people out of 1,000 getting married.

Philip Cohen, a sociology professor at the University of Maryland, says, "Women's independence and gender equality is a huge factor in the long-term decline in marriage."

There has also been a rise in men's rights groups such as Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) and the Manosphere, where men in droves complain about men's unfair treatment in relationships and family courts. They're tired of being brow-beaten by women and the gender bias laws against men. For this reason, millions of men don't want to get married and are opting out of marriage altogether.

Men Avoid Marriage Because It’s Too Risky and Too Costly

Men are not marrying because, for many men, the rewards for getting married are far less than they used to be, while the cost and dangers of it are far higher. 

Divorce rates are sky-high: 45% of marriages end in divorce, and women initiate 80% of them.

Ultimately, men know they could lose a lot, from losing their freedom to being financially exploited to losing custody of their children. It's common knowledge that the courts favor women over men. They’re renowned for favoring women regarding the division of assets, child support, and alimony even if they aren't married.

Men lose money.

For example, an Ontario businessman was ordered to pay more than $50,000 a month to his ex-girlfriend despite neither owning a house nor having children together. Under Ontario law, an unmarried couple is considered common-law spouses if they have cohabitated — lived together in a conjugal relationship — for at least three years.

Men lose their children.

In the U.K., Liz Jones, a columnist at the Daily Mail, reported how she stole her ex-boyfriend's sperm to try to get pregnant but failed. And how one of her friends lied to a new boyfriend that she was on the Pill. He’s now in a new relationship and has to pay support for a child he never sees. 

Entrapment pregnancy, a.k.a. forced fatherhood, is a common problem in the United States too. Many men feel paying support for a child they didn’t agree to have is unfair, but the courts see it as doing what’s right for the child. A woman receiving child support can also claim government assistance (welfare, free health insurance, etc.) while the man gets nothing. 

In the event of a married couple divorcing, men only get custody of their children 10% of the time but are always responsible for paying child support and alimony. Many men complain that courts send the message that fathers are not essential to raising children beyond the point of paying child support.

Closing Thoughts

In a society that strives for equality, maybe these gender laws are outdated? Women make up 50% of the labor force, so why do we claim unfair gender divides regarding marriage and family disputes? If the risks involved in entering marriage were equally distributed, perhaps more men will feel like they have less to lose? 

It's such a minefield, and change might not happen fast. Still, if we want to see men viewing marriage in a positive light again so we can continue to have strong family units, it will take a long-term focused effort from women, men, and the government. Being aware of the issues men face, empathizing, and trying to see it from their perspective is a great place to start.

If you are asking the question, “Is marriage right for me?” you are not alone. Many couples want the legal and financial protections marriage offers, especially if they own property together or have a child, but they aren’t ready to say vows. For some, marriage has a negative connotation. Maybe they already tried it once and it ended in divorce. Or they grew up in a divided household. Others simply don't believe in the institution, or they need more time to make sure their partner is "the one." There can also be financial benefits to avoiding marriage.

Fortunately, there are numerous alternatives to legal marriage including common law, domestic partnership, and cohabitation agreements. Each option offers some (but not all) of the benefits of traditional marriage and has advantages and disadvantages. The benefits vary state by state, so it's important to consult a matrimonial attorney near you before deciding on an option.

For general guidance and insight, we turned to attorney Madelyn Jaye. As she put it, her job is to "help you determine what domestic arrangement best fits your personal lifestyle and goals."

Meet the Expert

Madelyn Jaye is a matrimonial attorney in New York City.

A Guide to the Legal Benefits of Getting Married

 Domestic Partnership

A domestic partnership, also called a civil union, is a popular option for couples because it offers many of the same benefits to marriage. "A domestic partnership, like a marriage, is a legal relationship under the laws of a state," said Jaye. "It provides committed, unmarried couples that are living together certain, but limited, guaranteed rights." Before same-sex marriage was legalized many gay couples relied on domestic partnerships to protect them financially and legally.

If you want to get married, all you have to do is get a marriage certificate from the local government. Securing a domestic partnership is a little harder. You have to prove that you are in a committed relationship with evidence such as a joint bank account or a mortgage. Requirements vary by state but most require proof that you currently live together and have for some time.

A domestic partnership offers many of the same benefits as a marriage. If something happens to your partner, you automatically inherit his or her assets. You get hospital visitation and can add your partner to your health plan (or chose to use his or her employer benefits). Depending on how much you and your partner make, there can also be some financial benefits to domestic partnerships. Some couples end up paying more taxes as a married couple than they would if they filed individually. A domestic partnership avoids that outcome. In many states, it is also easier to terminate this type of arrangement than a marriage (in some cases it's as easy as filling out a form).

Because domestic partnership arrangements vary by state, one state might not recognize the benefits of the union that another state does. That means if you move make sure you check in with an attorney.

Common Law Marriage

A common law marriage does not actually require you to file anything with the state. If you tell the community you are married, call each other husband and wife, live together for a certain number of years, and use the same last name, you can have a common law marriage. You have all the same protections as a married couple, and you have to get divorced if you split up. "The couple holds themselves out to friends and family as being married, live together for a period, but never formally marry or obtain a marriage license," said Jaye.

While common law marriages sound great (you can be married without doing any of the work!) they aren't that common in America. "Today common law marriages are only recognized in 8 states and even where they are recognized common law marriages can be fraught with open questions resulting in litigation," said Jaye.

The takeaway: It's better to make your arrangement official instead of hoping the law will recognize you as married.

What You Need to Know About Common Law Marriage

Cohabitation Agreements

In a domestic partnership, the state decides what benefits you get as a couple. A cohabitation agreement is different; in this arrangement, the couple decides what rights and obligations each partner owes to each other. "Cohabitation agreements, unlike domestic partnerships and civil unions, are contracts negotiated between a couple and can be as narrow or as broad as the couple wishes them to be," said Jaye. "A cohabitation agreement is a contract and should be recognized and enforceable in all state jurisdictions."

Non-married couples use cohabitation agreements the same way married couples use prenuptial agreements. They spell out how property, debt, and money will be distributed and handled during the relationship. They also dictate what happens if the relationship ends. For example, if a couple buys a house together, what happens to that house if they break up? They can also discuss how expenses will be paid. Will groceries be split 50/50 or will one party cover them every week.

Not every couple needs a cohabitation agreement. They are often used when one partner enters a relationship with a lot more assets than the other or if the couple accumulates a lot of assets during their relationship. It's a way to avoid confusion and fighting if the relationship ends. Cohabitation agreements don't offer any of the benefits of marriage like the ability to use one another's health insurance.

How to Choose the Best Alternative for You

If you find yourself in a committed relationship, and you are ready to make it official legally, how do you know where to start? Jaye's advice is to start talking with your partner early on about your relationship goals. "Too many couples avoid having open, honest, truthful discussions about their individual and joint assets, liabilities, finances, and goals," she said.

Think about what is important to you as a couple. Does one partner need health insurance from the other? Are you buying a home together and want to protect your share of the investment? Jaye also says to imagine what decisions you will be making in the future: "Too many couples think in terms of their current situations when planning for the future, ignoring that the future could bring a change in circumstances that need to be considered."

It is helpful to seek out the guidance of an attorney. This professional can talk you through things you need to consider and map out what legal benefits you will have in your state. "An experienced family law attorney can provide you the framework for the important discussions you may find difficult to broach on your own, can advise you of the legal options available to you in your state, can guide the financial planning of your future together, and can leave the champagne, chocolates, and romance to you," said Jaye.

She also encourages you to have these conversations early, before you have a child on the way or are already fighting over shared property. As Jaye put it: "The time to consider your options should not be when faced with time constraints or pressure."

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