What does it mean if you hate hugging?

For people who recoil with awkwardness at the prospect of being hugged, life can sometimes be challenging and awkward.

You never know when someone you're not familiar with that well will decide that, yes, today is the day to wrap their arms around you.

In this situation, you don’t have much choice but to grin and bear it, or try to deflect somehow – perhaps with an air kiss or handshake.

But regardless of whether you’re partial to a hug or not, new research has given us the scientific low-down on why some people hate hugging.

Why people love or hate hugging.

According to experts, upbringing may be key to a person’s opinion on hugging.

Suzanne Degges-White, a professor of counselling and counsellor education at Northern Illinois University, says:

Our tendency to engage in physical touch—whether hugging, a pat on the back, or linking arms with a friend—is often a product of our early childhood experiences

A 2012 study found that people who were raised by huggers were more likely to continue this tradition. The study also stated that “hugging is an important element in a child’s emotional upbringing”.

Degges-White suggests that people who weren’t hugged by their parents often as children may feel uncomfortable at the thought of hugging.

In a family that was not typically physically demonstrative, children may grow up and follow that same pattern with their own kids.

Though, perhaps confusingly, growing up without frequent hugging can have the opposite effect.

Some children grow up and feel ‘starved’ for touch and become social huggers that can’t greet a friend without an embrace or a touch on the shoulder.

There’s also a cultural element to this issue. People in the America and England hug and touch much less than people in France or Puerto Rico, according to a 2010 study.

How huggers should interact with people who are hug avoidant.

It’s wise to skip hugging with people unless you are genuinely close with them and have established a more tactile bond. While you might be comfortable with this, not everyone feels the same.

Samantha Hess, a “professional cuddler” and founder of an Oregon-based service that teaches people how to be more tactile, says it’s important to be mindful of other people’s body language.

Everyone has the right to control what happens to their body. Many of our clients aren’t comfortable with even a handshake when they first arrive.

She adds that it can take a long time for people to feel comfortable enough to enjoy hugging with a new person - if they ever get there at all.

How to overcome your aversion to hugs.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t like hugging, and no one should ever feel pressured into touching people if they don’t want to. But for those wanting to learn to love the simple embrace, Hess has a few tips:

We go over consent and boundaries prior to any touch and reassure them they are always welcome to change their mind

We have 78 cuddle poses we can guide people through so we can find something for just about any comfort level.

Sometimes it’s also about pushing through things and learning that a hug might not be so bad after all.

You may very well find yourself overcome with relief, gratitude, surprise, acceptance and even regret for having closed yourself off from your own self for so long

It is a truth universally acknowledged that hugs are a torture device encouraged only to uphold social norms, not for anyone’s actual enjoyment.

Well, universally acknowledged by people who truly cannot stand hugs, anyway. Rational people. People who can see great evil in the world and won’t wrap their arms around it in a welcoming embrace.

Hugs are the worst. It’s a travesty that we, as a society, haven’t yet found a replacement for what is quite clearly an outdated an entirely inpractical method of greeting and expressing affection.

And the worst part of it all? Us hug-haters are treated like weirdos. Emotionally closed off monsters with intimacy issues.

But you’re not alone. Other hug-haters walk among us. And these are our struggles.

1. You truly don’t understand why people don’t consider a wave an acceptable greeting

It’s easy, convenient, and there’s no touching. What’s the issue? Why must you feel personally affronted by a wave from a distance?

2. And when you go for a wave and are greeted with open arms, you experience intense panic and despair

People can’t read body language, and it will be the downfall of society.

3. There’s a special place in Hell for people who draw attention to the ‘need’ for a hug

‘Oh, come on. We’re all friends here! Put the hand down, we’re hugging!’

Die.

4. And for people who know you hate hugs, but enforce them anyway

Especially if they laugh when doing it, joking about your rigid body and awkward back-patting technique.

5. You honestly have no idea what to do with your hands when forced into a hug

Do I… stroke your back? Pat it? Do the awkward hover-hand? Oh, fun. I’ve done a combination of all three. Great.

6. And you’ve actually had to ask your closest friends for guidance on arm positioning

An important lesson you’ve learned through careful studying: Arms go around the person’s neck if you’re more than friends, and their arms go around your waist. Saucy.

23 struggles only people who hate physical contact know

For a friendly hug, you just… oh. Wait. I can’t remember. WHERE DO THE ARMS GO? WHERE DO THEY GO?

7. At a young age, you realised that you not only hate hugs, but you also give straight up awful ones

Maybe it’s nerves. Maybe it’s lack of practice. But your hugs will never be a comfort.

8. And this has inevitably lead to intense hug fear

The last twenty minutes of a social gathering are fraught with tension, knowing that someone will try to hug goodbye. You will sit, rigid and sweaty, and feel a little bit sick.

9. Which only makes your hugs uncomfortably warm and clammy

You leave a lasting impression. One of: ‘why are you so hot? Wait. Are you shaking?’

10. You have strong opinions on the health and safety of hugs

Close contact can only speed up the spread of germs and diseases. Everyone stay apart. Just looking out for your safety, guys.

11. And so you LOVE it when you have evidence of a cold

Lingering cough? Perfect. Now you can whip out the ‘oh, don’t hug me, I don’t want to get you sick’ excuse for the next week.

12. You’re a little scared of sharing bad news with people who care about you

Because you just KNOW they’re going to want to give you a comforting hug. No, thank you.

13. And crying friends terrify you

Sure, you can provide assistance from a distance. But if they need a literal shoulder to cry on? It’s just not going to work out. Sorry.

14. People who describe themselves as ‘huggers’ are an awful alien species

What happened to you in your childhood? What made you this way?

15. You can’t hide your hug hatred

Even when you give in and welcome a person into your person space, your eyes are locked forwards, your hands are stiff, and you’re visibly relieved when the embrace is over.

It’s obvious: either you hate them, or you hate hugs.

16. So you’re always having to explain yourself

You don’t want to offend anyone, so have to launch into your pre-prepared ‘So, look. It’s not you. I just find hugs really uncomfortable’ spiel with every new person you encounter.

17. Putting your cheek by another person’s cheek, and your arms around their body, just feels inherently wrong

It’s hard to explain why you don’t like hugs. But when the act fills you with an undeniable sense of wrongness and misery, it’s clearly not for you.

18. It’s hard for you to make friends with new people

A hug is a way to transition from coworkers to friends. From acquaintances to buddies.

Skipping that step, and rejecting your new best mate when they launch in for a cuddle? Yep. Your new relationship may never recover.

19. But when friends finally get a hug, it feels all the more special

You still don’t enjoy it, but you love them enough to put up with the occasional one. Now they know you care. Aww.

20. People are shocked when they spot you actually initiating a hug

Look, yes. You know I hate hugs. But you can also see that the social situation requires one. Let’s get it over with.

21. And you’ve had to put up with your friends drawing WAY too much attention to one of your hugs on multiple occasions

Leave me be. Do not yell ‘SHE HATES HUGS, AND SHE’S HUGGING YOU. AWW, FRIENDS. FRIENDS’. Do not make this any more uncomfortable than it needs to be.

22. Children are terrifying

For many reasons, really. But especially because they will loudly ask you for a hug, everyone will aww, and then you’ll look like a massive knob if you turn them down.

MORE : 27 things only people who don’t like babies understand

And then: the horror, oh the horror. The awkwardness of a hug, intensified by the massive height difference. This hug will last forever. You will want to weep.

And then said child will instruct you that you’re not hugging them properly, and a piece of you will die inside.

23. You can actually enjoy some hugs

Shocking, we know. And it goes against everything we stand by. But when it’s a person you’ve known for ages, you’re feeling affectionate, or you’re in search of comfort, you just might initiate a hug that you don’t entirely hate.